Providing canteen banter

On Tuesday we popped along to the fertility clinic. We were asked lots of questions such as:

i) are you having sex
ii) do you ejaculate inside the vagina
iii) have you been sterilised

Fuck me, what sort of people do they have to deal with that these questions have to be asked? On the other hand, it's nice to know where we've been going wrong ... ;-)

Our answers obviously satisfied her and she wanted to physically examine us... um, OK then. So she told me to go and get undressed, n.b., she used the word undressed. Meanwhile BM was getting inspected. He'd had a shower just before coming to meet me fearing that this might happen, put on clean clothes and met me. To his horror as he pulled his foreskin back he discovered a rogue dog-hair - neither of them said anything. Although I'm sure she updated her notes to read "dog-fucker, does not ejaculate in lady-friend".

Just as he sat back down with salty tears of shame rolling down his cheeks I step out of the bathroom butt naked - he just about fell of his chair laughing and she laughed and said "you didn't need to take that many clothes off, do you want to put some back on?" - by this point I felt it was a bit in for a penny, in for a pound so stayed as I was.

Feet in stirrups somewhat exposed I airily exclaimed "I'm told that by the time the baby comes you don't care who's watching" - this didn't really relax me much.

Dildocam. Wow! - It's basically a dildo and an ultrasound camera - hubba hubba. All my bits are in order apparently and she told me I was "normal" - having been embarassed in my nakedness I decided to turn on BM and ask him "are you normal?" - boy can that boy blush!

She then had a go at me about my weight and despite my protestations of exercising a LOT I could tell she clearly wasn't buying it and she scribbled "Jeremy Kyle watching, pyjamas outside wearing, hob-nob nibbling fat slag". *sigh*

We have to go back in November if I'm still barren - but they won't treat me until I've lost the weight I've put on in the last year, which of course is not an insurmountable task but I was really really raging. If I were to weigh 8 stone and smoke 40 a day and knock back a bottle of gin a day she'd be none the wiser and treat me. I felt really discriminated against actually and thought it was fucking rude.

At least my lady bits weren't full of pet fluff.

This episode has been brought to you by the self-shaming contingent.

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Work: Some people who were "let go" due to global economics whilst our company is still posting billion dollar profits are suing the company... with the backing of the government. Going to get tasty this one!