Oranges From China

Small worlds

2010-03-15T15:26:00.002+01:00

On Saturday BM was playing in a rugby match and I got chatting to a girl whom it turns out worked with one of the girls I'm going to Newcastle to catch up with. It's amazing what a small world it is. :-)

I had the big 20 week scan last week and my baby is 100% OK. Mad little wriggler - even the sonographer commented on it, it did the full array of positions available - obviously en vogueing - its father was so pleased. Just about the longest 25 minutes of my life until she finally said it was OK. We found out the sex and I can't believe I've got this little person coming in to my life.

It's now kicking like mad and I can see it kick - it's actually kicking hard enough to move my abdomen. Still barfing though. :-(

BM has a new job starting tomorrow yay!

Manning up

2010-03-01T10:19:00.002+01:00

Whilst I promised myself I wasn't going to get too hung up about my pregnancy weight, how can you not be? I am therefore very happy to report that I've put on a relatively small amount and it's only in the last 2 weeks or so that my bump has become visible, even then I've been told I'm very small for ~20 weeks which is great. 20 weeks - ack - halfway through! That's some scary shit! ;-)

I need to man up and buy some maternity clothes though because I cannot now do up my jeans without causing myself misery.

Ginger is still so beautiful and whilst I really want to ride I'm nervous that for the first time in my life I won't land on my head but on my abdomen.

I went out on saturday with an Englishwoman I met in the park the other week when we were walking our dogs. It was so nice to be able to converse in my mother-tongue for a few hours with someone who isn't BM obviously! She's really nice and down-to-earth and loves horses... which may solve my Ginger problem. She's coming to meet the horse next weekend.

So much pain

2010-02-22T11:51:00.003+01:00

I didn't think there would be so much pain associated with pregnancy - but for me there is. Apparently it's "just" my rapidly expanding uterus and ligaments but fuck me it hurts. I will never, ever, ever understand anyone who says they didn't know they were pregnant until in labour. :(

Following on from my previous gripe about the prices of things, we managed to pick up a travel-system - that's a pram & buggy to you - with loads of "accessories" for the bargain price of 125 euros when it would've set us back 800 in the shop, so we're very happy with that.

Back at the midwife this morning and everything is going great - my little wriggler is wriggling and in 2 weeks we find out the sex. Then the REAL arguments can begin as we need to find a name which will work in Dutch/English and Scottish. Not such an easy task!

I am really hurt by my parent's indifference. I have ignored my mother for over a week now because she asked for a photo of BM, not "what's he like?", "where's he from?" - but a photo. This tells me all I need to know, she is, and always was a raging snob and wants to know if he looks "good enough". I sent my dad a text message last night saying I might be in Newcastle in May if he wanted to meet up. He didn't ask about the baby. It really hurts although tbh I should be used to it.

Reminder to see Leonard Cohen before he dies

2010-02-05T14:24:00.002+01:00

"I've heard of a man who said words so beautifully, that if he'd only speak their name, women gave themselves to him.

If I am dumb beside your body while silence blossoms on our lips it is because I hear a man climb the stairs and clear his throat outside our door."

The Cult

2010-02-01T11:43:00.002+01:00

On Saturday we decided to brave a baby shop to see what we were letting ourselves in for. They're full of shifty looking couples not making eye contact with others. The only contact to be made is when people turn over the price tag and a look of horror sweeps across their face and you can feel them mentally speed-dialling the abortion clinic. I felt like Tippi Hendron in "The Birds" as I negotiated the car-seat section, there were car-seats on the floor filled with genuine babies.

We ran away empty-handed and feeling a combination of rising horror at the prices of things and absolute fascination that anyone would spend 860 euros on a single cot. Which didn't even have built-in disco lights.

Yesterday I bought a couple of baby things, didn't unpack them - just put the bag away at the bottom of the wardrobe. It's all too real, I'm not sure I signed up for this.

Heartbeat

2010-01-27T09:21:00.002+01:00

We had a midwife appointment on Monday morning where we got to hear the heartbeat of the baby which was wonderful. My blood pressure was taken and it's very low - in your face NHS/Daily Mail who claim all overweight women will die of fatness/etc. whilst pregnant. My v low blood pressure could well explain though why I'm so bloody knackered all the time - and apparently this is only going to get worse. I suppose I ought to break out the ciggies & coffee then! ;-)

I rode on Saturday which was wonderful, V and I went on one of our favourite rides through the hills and local villages which includes a mile long windy gallop up a hill through the woods. The horses went like lightening and I lost a stirrup which was slightly scary but all good fun. Clip-clopping down the road and gabbing about rubbish a man on a bicycle passed us and said "morning girls" - which made us dissolve in to giggles. "Girls?" - it's been a while since anyone has referred to me as a "girl"! :-)

"No judgement"

2010-01-22T09:57:00.002+01:00

Apparently the judge is still deciding what to do about it all which is very frustrating - I just want the whole thing over and done with. My lawyer had put in the dossier that it's very unfair my ex-landlady taking me to court like this because of course she is a lawyer so she gets it all for "free" - I needed to move partially for financial reasons and so obviously I don't have the money to fight this long term. So we wait.

The world is full of morons, that's all I have to say on the matter.

My mother - her of the enormous tact et al has been kind enough to share some pregnancy woes:
i) she was sick every day until 7 months
ii) she didn't show until 6 months
iii) childbirth was the most awful thing "one" had ever experienced

Ginger's feet were trimmed on wednesday and as it turns out his wife was a lactation consultant in a previous life - she recommended just tuning out any negativity and only take in the positive stories - there's sense in that.

I thought I'd found a girl to ride Ginger for me until post-partum but apparently it's not gone so well. I was told that 3 of them went out for a ride and they all ended up dismounting and walking home... I then got an enormous compliment when my riding was compared to that of the stable's owner who actually gets sponsored she's that good! *fans self* I am too negative about my abilities I think and it is a big, powerful horse and maybe I am just good. So maybe it's just not going to work out with this girl. I'm riding tomorrow to see if there's a real problem with the horse or just a confidence/lack of experience one.

Drugs

2010-01-18T08:28:00.002+01:00

The doctor finally gave me something for the sickness which is a blessed relief as it's recently been worse than ever.

I'm just waiting on the court judgement right now but nothing of any interest is happening. Work is very political, I have found someone to ride Ginger until I'm read again. C'est tout!

Silence

2010-01-05T09:08:00.002+01:00

I only realised yesterday that I'd not written a jot for nearly a month - I can tell you why - it's because I've spent the majority of the last month asleep or crying in to the toilet. Morning sickness - pfff, how does all day sea-sickness grab you?

I had my scan the other week - the baby is good - we've got a little wriggler and thankfully just the one - although dare I say it? I was a teensy bit disappointed that it was only one... talk about glutton for punishment!

The court date got postponed for a month which was at my request to gather evidence and bitch slap the caaah. It's all going down next week. Stand by for dog-shit through your letterbox lady! I don't actually have to go to court at this stage though thank god - my lawyer submits a dossier and the judge should make a judgement upon that and hopefully I will not be called forward as a witness - that's a stressor I could live without!

My lame little life got a little bit better last week when for the first time in 7 (?) years I got a proper wardrobe - which I know sounds lame but... When I was living alone I knew I wouldn't be able to build one myself and I couldn't afford a ready-built one. I fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours and when I woke up BM had built it - clever man! The apartment is looking really great now, new carpets, new sofa, new bedroom furniture. Very cosy!

I'm back at work and whilst I hate to do it I may be forced to pull the preggo card - they want me to work at the client site - which I don't want to because they're fucking muppets... I may have to say "it's too far for me to walk - especially on this ice - and there's no parking".

Fire fighting

2009-12-11T10:09:00.004+01:00

On Tuesday I was served with a court summons for next Wednesday from the ex-landlady for ~10k. I am not a lawyer and I am certainly not fluent in legal terminology in the local language - I can however spot a shoddy document 50 feet away and this was laughingly full of holes. e.g., "Suzanne must pay rent until 31-07-2009" - I think she'll find I have already... perhaps she'd like to refund me the excess? Anyway, I've hired a lawyer who is delighted to get her teeth in to the case because my ex-landlady is the most hated lawyer in town - a very angry woman with no sense of class or even a little slice of stfu and is known to interrupt and shout at the judge! Anyway I have a very good case - I think she was expecting me to ignore the summons and she'd automatically be awarded judgement. She's fucked up in so many ways and has made illegal statements. Silly woman... you'd have thought being a lawyer you'd get things bang on the money!

It is a stressor though and tuesday night I was very upset and didn't sleep much. But now it's in the hands of my lawyer and for what I'm paying her, she can worry about it. It's risible anyway.

I got a bonus this week for the work I did in September which is nice - it'll pay the legal fees! ;-)

I told the girls at the stables last night that I'm pregnant and they are so excited for me "we're having a baby!", "we?". :-) All good.

Barely a ripple

2009-12-07T14:21:00.001+01:00

The awful sickness seems to be lifting with verocity although it is with me daily... most of the day sadly. :( However I was well enough to go for a nice walk on Saturday with the horse and on Sunday I rode for the first time in a fortnight. Funnily enough when I got in the saddle it just felt "right" and for the first time in ages I didn't feel sick or anxious. It as blowing a gale with very heavy rain and was just lovely... we galloped flat out through the rain and I felt freedom briefly.

What have I done?

2009-11-30T11:29:00.002+01:00

It's been a while since I posted here, mostly because I've been living the life of my dog. I eat, I sleep, I sleep some more and then I cry. I'm pregnant and it's knocked me for six. I've had panic attacks and cried at the midwife, I am physically unable to stay awake past 9pm - I just fall to the ground wherever I might be. I have terrible morning sickness and my balance has gone to shit. I wonder if I look radiant? :-/ For someone relatively active I've found it really upsetting, I've been able to ride a few times but not much, I'm out of breath walking the dogs (something to do with the blood supply/oxygen uptake) and I get tired just looking at my gym kit.

To any woman who's ever been pregnant and claimed "I just didn't know", I'd like to ask you HOW? How the fuck did you not know? Why didn't you go to A&E?

Do you feel lucky, punk?

2009-11-04T10:13:00.002+01:00

We got moved last week and I love the new place, it's right by the park where there are deer, sheep, goats, cows, bunnies, peacocks etc., etc. Also just a 2 minute walk from the high street, couldn't be better.

But of course with every ying, there is a yang - and the current yang is that the ex-landlady wants to sue me. I felt confident breaking the contract because her husband did something illegal so I'm quite happy for this to go to court. In times gone by I'd have done my best to "make peace", but now? Fuck 'em. I'll play. Whenever I talk to someone about what he did the automatic response is a dropped jaw and a "he can't do that!" I was lucky really because I wanted out of the contract and he played right in to my hands.

Work is good and life is good although BM doesn't want us to go skiing this winter - he wants us to save money. Bah. Not quite sure how I feel about that yet - trouble is, it's not just the ski hol, I need new boots and that'll be the best part of 400 euros before I even put my skis on... Plus kennels, plus airport parking - all the little things (or not so little) I forget to take in to account. Still... the world's largest indoor snowdome is now less than 5 miles from the house so at least we can kill some time there.

I hate moving

2009-10-26T15:45:00.002+01:00

We've been packing boxes, cleaning empty rooms and getting everything downstairs ready to go in the van. Last time I moved I hired people in to do it as I was just out of surgery and it wasn't going to happen. Add to that I had some horrendously large and heavy pieces of furniture - they always seemed to have a bad feeling associated with them so a couple of months ago I stuck them online for a very low price so that someone would come and collect them. This means that all the stuff I have left can be moved by 2 people as opposed to 4. Tomorrow is the big moving day and obviously it's quite stressful and I'm anxious as to how it's all going to work out - although I am looking forward to living closer to civilisation. We will be able to walk to the cinema - how exciting! ;-)

Michelle came to stay for the weekend which didn't go so well... she's lost all her confidence right now - even with the horse - although that was probably exacerbated by Ginger being mounted by a randy boy as Michelle got her in from the field.

Definitely moving

2009-10-19T14:03:00.002+02:00

I just got confirmation this morning that I can move house next week - hurrah! So I've booked a few days off work and hired a van and hopefully it'll all be pretty painless.

Yesterday I had such a wonderful ride. I'd been feeling pretty down all weekend and in a state of limbo over the new apartment. I was the last person up to the stables and the horses were either out in the field or getting ready, Ginger was the last one in the stable and she was very stressed. I got her out and ready in about 20 minutes even though my hands were shaking with nerves/hunger. The first 40 minutes or so were pretty hairy and I full expected to end up face-down in a ditch but it was pretty good and E, who is in fact one of the best riders I've ever seen and competes in the class just below Grande Prix level turned and said "that looks brilliant" and from then on in I couldn't stop grinning. I've not laughed so much in ages as we got in to arguments with mountain-bikers claiming the bridlepaths as theirs. We got to the pub and tied the horses up in the stalls before P treated us all to hot chocolates with tons of cream. As we set off for home the sun came through the clouds and I took the lead, galloping through the forest jumping fallen logs. I felt on such a high when we got back. Simple pleasures. I still feel content now.

Things you wish you hadn't said

2009-10-15T14:05:00.002+02:00

BM got some work in an old people's home. On Monday he was tidying up and doing some dishes when a little old lady decided to join him. He told her she didn't need to help and that she should relax and just watch him work. She told him she liked it and it "kept her alive".

Yesterday he asked where his "helper" was. Died apparently.

Big Fuss

2009-10-08T14:20:00.002+02:00

This morning BM had a job interview at McDonalds - it's far from ideal but it's a bit of cash. When he got in there the woman kicked up a bit of a fuss about him not being fluent in Dutch. He kicked off and asked how complicated the menu was, how much it had changed in 20 years and then rattled off a few example menus. A BigMac is a BigMac wherever you might be. OK, so he's blown the interview but I'm so proud of him. She kept telling him that not speaking Dutch would be a problem. He told her it wasn't rocket science! *grin*

We're off to look at some new apartments in the morning, I went around to my new friend H's place last night - it's so gorgeous and W.A.R.M! Hopefully we can get this done and dusted and move end-Oct.

My best friend ever found me yesterday on facebook - I've been trying to find her for 11 years now and mutual friends had written to her mother at her old address and none of us heard anything. She had quite a common name, particularly for the corner of the world she hails from. I'm so thrilled to have found her again but I'm a little bit gutted that she spent a few years living just down the road in Germany from me. :-/

Waifs & Strays

2009-10-05T11:00:00.002+02:00

Had a week off work last week and one day I returned from the gym & the stables to find a woman in the kitchen talking to BM. Long story, but upshot is I sensed a little "mental vulnerability" in her, but I liked her and I hope we can become friends. As strange as it might sound - I need a mum.

Went to a horse show on Saturday to asess the lie of the land with respect to me competing next year and I was delighted to find it was so good. We both really liked the atmosphere and the dressage test wasn't too complicated, the jumps not too big and the x-country course just lovely. So that's my plan for 2010. I was delighted to note a few larger women, a Scottish women and a few shit women - not sure if any of them managed to fall in to all 3 categories though. ;-)

Everybody's going surfin' now

2009-09-25T08:32:00.002+02:00

On Wednesday we travelled to a lake in Germany to try waterskiing/wakeboarding. I am delighted to report that we had a 100% success rate with the women and I was in the top 5 overall - although sadly not the best because I couldn't master the wakeboard... my feet were too small for the board... that's my excuse anyway! :-) Really good fun and a terrific work-out, my biceps are bulging like Popeye's. Getting in to a wetsuit was interesting through... thankfully the mirrors only showed from waist up in the changing rooms and I thought I looked acceptable - but seeing your colleagues in wetsuits shouldn't be allowed. For the first 10 minutes nobody could make eye contact with anyone else - and I'm like to apologise to anyone who saw me. It took me 5 goes to go more than about 20m and then being able to lap the lake took me another 4 but I cracked it. We were all expecting the lake to be a bit skanky what with it being mid-September and no rain for ages but it was deliciously cool. It was a very international group and when you were flung from the rope you had to paddle to the shore with your skis, clamber up the bank and walk back along a tree-lined path to the start hut. You'd be climbing up the bank and here a SPLASH, "FUUUUUUUCK" all the way around the lake. :-) Fuck is a very international word. Needless to say I was totally buzzing after that but didn't get home until midnight.

BM had been back in the country 36 hours by yesterday morning and yet I'd spent 28 of those at work or out but I've got a week off work next week so we can spend some time together then.

I nailed my audit and got certified (for once, not to the mental unit) and I've just spoken to one of the big managers about assuming the role for the entire country which would be pretty damned cool! :-)

Poke in the face

2009-09-15T12:51:00.001+02:00

It was my 3 month check-up with the dietician last week. I've not lost any weight since I saw her - good and bad, I've increase the amount of food I'm eating - but no weight off obv. She's recommended as a "last resort" a "Lighter life" style diet - which from my pov is just madness. She acknowledgess that I don't eat enough then recommends 500 cals a day. I told her the last time I starved myself to get to a recommended weight my hair fell out - this does not (I feel) bode well for a pregnancy taking.

Struggling

2009-09-14T08:54:00.002+02:00

Despite being free from the label of "Borderline" - I still have battles which make me want to crawl up and cry for days. But I still find it difficult to cry for me - read that as "I do not cry for me".

BM is back in the UK for another week and the house feels wrong without him - I feel lonely and just not right.

Work is heavy this week as it's the week of the audit and I'm still trying to find time to get my head around all the information I want to present - at least it's in English - thankful for small mercies!

Yesterday I'd agreed to ride out with M, first off she was half an hour late due to a parade where they'd shut the road. I expected that, I was caught in the same traffic. I suppose I just wasn't in the best of moods and when we reached a particularly difficult junction to cross - main road and on a bend - we totally took over one lane so the cars behind could see and the cars coming in the other direction could see us. There was a lot of traffic coming the other way and when we arrived at the junction nothing behind us. The traffic kept coming and a woman came up behind us and tried to overtake us - I'm afraid I let rip with a volley of abuse (in English) and she at least had the sense to look embarassed. Horses or no horses you don't overtake on a blind bend! About 30 seconds across the junction M started giggling and said "I always thought you were a mild-mannered person" - I'd used a variety of swear words I usually reserve for when working the docks. So that put me in a bad mood. I thought we'd be going for a short ride, but we ended up out for 3 hours and I was just tired, hungry and thirsty and so immensely pissed off. M is always saying how well Ginger and her horse get along - fine, they do. But he's a dawdler when walking and when she was in front it's virtually impossible for Ginger to walk that slow - we have to stop and it's just so frustrating. Also I don't take kindly to criticism about my horse when the person criticising has not assembled their bridle correctly.

She annoyed me so much that I cantered off and jumped a ditch which the others tend to balk at just to see what would happen with her horse.

So why is it that I can let rip at a car driver but cannot defend myself when someone criticises me? "Gosh 35, yes, you've left it very late for children."

Inspiration

2009-09-07T12:23:00.002+02:00

Ginger is a sex-pest and has been bullying the boys in to humping her and is black and blue and covered in cuts. *sigh* So no riding yesterday and instead spent the afternoon on the sofa watching the BBC coverage of Burghley. So inspired was I that I spent the rest of the day researching how I can compete here - it's nearly the end of season but I can make tracks towards training for 2010 yay!

My mum sent me a couple of texts on friday night saying that she misses me terribly, wants to know I'm OK, is going through a bad time and wants to be a grandmother. I asked my dad what was going on and told him I suspected she's got in touch with me because my sister has probably taken up her first teaching job and moved out. Silence. That's her usual MO - when my sister moves out she remembers she has 2 daughters - oh and that she wants a grandchild.

On the up?

2009-09-01T13:13:00.000+02:00

I have been given a promotion at work which is great news - and about bloody time! :-)

I moved Ginger on Sunday to a new stables and was immediately complimented on how easy she is to load in to a trailer - I know, she's easy. Went up to the yard after work yesterday to meet everyone and check up on her - everyone is amazingly friendly and demanded that I ride out with them last night. Usually middle-aged women are "cautious" but I figured as it was my first ride out in a new area I'd be happy with that. To hell with that! 90 minutes of galloping around the countryside - I've not ridden that hard or fast in years. One of the reasons I was attracted to this stables is that they all ride out as a group and are friendly. I'm going out again wednesday after work and they've a 4 hour ride planned on Sunday! Awesome! Lots and lots of compliments about Ginger - I mean talk about flattery will get you everywhere.

I think we've found somewhere to live although it's not in the bag yet!

Earning karma points

2009-08-25T08:42:00.002+02:00

At the weekend I was reading an expat messageboard and there was an English woman desperately looking for somewhere for her daughter to stay in my town. She's starting university here today but the uni doesn't guarantee accommodation to first year students OR overseas students! So I've offered to put her up for a few nights - I mean it's pretty scary starting uni, it must be even more scary in a foreign country and more scary still when you've nowhere to stay.

I'm expecting a huge amount of karma for this.

Work is going amazingly well - my manager is going on holiday to africa for 4 weeks and has asked me to cover for her. I've got to do a presentation to some bigwigs from the US/UK but how hard can that be? *has one too many for Dutch courage* hic

We still don't have anywhere to live yet and I'm too busy to find somewhere. Pumpety pump.

Don't know whether I'm coming or going

2009-08-13T16:28:00.004+02:00

We're moving out of our house but haven't found anywhere new to live yet - hurrah to bins everywhere! ;-)

Reality bites!

2009-08-10T11:12:00.003+02:00

The week away was bliss - hot, beautiful and totally relaxing - hallelujah!

I've spent the last week riding, hanging out and generally being very lazy but it's all been wonderful.

I had my last "ever" session with G last week who wished me well on my continuing journey without therapy - although he's emailed me to say I can call any time. He also wants me to talk to people who are considering dropping out of therapy. I told him I could see why it was so tempting to walk away before being done - it hurts so much dealing with all the shit - it takes a lot of effort to talk about the stuff you've buried for years - for a reason of course. But I'm glad I stuck at it - and I don't know how I survived my years in the wilderness.

I'm moving Ginger to another stables where everyone seems much more chilled out and relaxed - they ride out as a group at the weekends and take the horses away for weekends at the beach - which is really more my kind of thing than poncing about at dressage competitions every weekend. Plus, if that snotty 14 year old throws my stuff on the floor one more time I'm going to lamp her. It's also 200 euros a month cheaper than the place I'm at right now - result all around!

I haven't heard back yet from the "awesome" job - so probably won't - but they've got another two vacancies on their website so I'm going to keep applying until they hire me! ;-)

I continue to feel disheartened about how fucking stupid so many people are... how can I escape them? Run away and hide in the Andes? Shoot everyone dim on sight?

I found a sharer for Ginger just before I went on holiday - a really nice girl... but when I was on holiday she left a couple of messages on my answermachine asking me to call immediately. I thought something dreadful had happened so I called her... it was nothing. I got back to the stables and spoke to the owner who reassured me that had it been something serious *she* would've phoned me. The girl was also pissing off a lot of people - 3 people in one day told me she was "weird". E.g., she'd told me she'd gone to school with a couple of the girls - one of them told me last week that she'd never laid eyes on her before and didn't even know her name! She kept on and on at me to get shoes for Ginger and I kept telling her it wasn't going to happen. I decided it was time to cut her loose as it were and phoned her one evening... she sounded strung-out. I arranged to meet her at the stables the following evening to tell her face-to-face that I didn't want her around anymore and so BM and I waited... an hour. She eventually phoned to tell me she was running late, I told her not to bother showing up. She asked if it was something she'd done "personally" - I suspect she's Borderline and didn't want to get in to the whole "but I'll change thing" so I told her it was just because I was moving Ginger to a different place. I don't have the time or energy for the dramas of a Borderline person anymore. One of the reasons I suspect she was borderline is that she wasn't working, slept until midday (or later) on a daily basis and then was out of it in the evenings - I suspect via meds. But of course there's more to Borderline than that - and I spotted it.

Island Escape

2009-07-22T13:50:00.002+02:00

It's been a typically stressful week although thank goodness very quiet at work as my brain is totally done in. The fucking exhaust is hanging off the car by a thread so I ran it along to Kwik-Fit this morning where they informed me it's going to be a cool 236 euros to fit. Damn it. But it needs doing. We're off on holiday on saturday to the secret island hideaway which I'm really looking forward to - it should be absolute bliss. Again, no phone, no laptop - I need to do that more often.

The horse got sent back from trial for "making a funny noise when it eats". Which quite frankly is fucking mind-boggling. They've got 6 kids and told me that it's a lovely safe, trustworthy horse but it makes a noise. Um, 'K. They emailed later that day saying they "knew someone" who could give me a very, very low price as she buys "sick horses". I told them to get bent.

I ahm knackered

2009-07-17T12:03:00.000+02:00

I've just spent the last 60 minutes tweaking my CV + covering letter + in-depth online application form for a job which I can do and would be bloody amazing. Funnily enough I'd wanted to apply a few years ago but I didn't have the confidence - then I was reminded of it yesterday, had a look at the website and they're recruiting. It's quasi-military and they "actively recruit women" which I hope means it'll be hugely weighted in my favour.

Background check could be interesting. *snigger*

Selfish mother

2009-07-13T14:34:00.000+02:00

I had a total wobbly/breakdown yesterday and realised that if I'm pregnant again then ski season is totally out.

There's a meet in Vermont in December which I won't be able to make, I won't be able to ski after xmas and by the time I can ski again the fields will be green unless I sit on a plane for 24 hours.

There you go - still self-obsessed.

Softly falling

2009-07-10T12:39:00.002+02:00

I realised on Tuesday morning that I couldn't cope so I phoned my boss to tell her I was going to take a couple of days off to get my head together. I went back to work yesterday and she was so cool about it all which really surprised me as she's an older woman with no kids/husband - but it was great.

Ginger goes away this evening on trial for 2 weeks - hopefully it will all work out well. It's a bit sad though, I rode her yesterday and she was fantastic. I think I'd have found it all a lot less frustrating if every ride had been like that, but my nerves and stresses get in the way a lot of the time.

We're also tentatively putting the feelers out for somewhere new to live. I don't want to buy yet given the possibility that we might go back to the UK, but we want to get away from here because it's just too expensive and actually I want to be closer to town. It would save us up to 1000 a month which is some pretty good holidays. :-)

I haven't yet told my therapist that I lost the baby - I just can't face his reaction - "how do you feel?", "but how do you feel?"

WD40 lining

2009-06-30T09:10:00.003+02:00

I lost the baby at the weekend which was upsetting but the positives are:

i) I know I can do it
ii) losses in the first trimester are largely down to chromosomal abnormalities
iii) I know I'm firing off both ovaries

I was at the doctor this morning and because I'd made an emergency phonecall to the surgery over the weekend she had on her screen that I was pregnant and she congratulated me. It's funny because it also said that I was bleeding - she didn't think this was a definite game-over. Nobody EVER tells you that you may very well bleed during pregnancy. In fact they need to print it on the back of the fucking pregnancy test box rather than letting you run out of your office screaming and threatening to commit hari-kari*. When I spoke to my cousin and a friend they both said "god yeh, I bled loads". WTF? What is this secrets of womanhood pamphlet and why didn't I get a copy?

So damn it, back in the saddle.

Darling BM said to me this morning as I was moaning about something he was doing in reference to our blonde daughter, "I think we'll have a dark-haired child". "Right then", I said, "I'll be home late tonight".

Work is good, apparently not many people took them up on their request for a voluntary pay cut. We've also been told that we're getting shiny new laptops & "clever" phones in August. Thank christ we're cost-cutting and not just firing people!

BM is trying to get back in to the army - he needs to speak to someone when he's in the UK in September. I could see myself being an army wife. *places OMO on window ledge*

*I told BM that my initial thoughts had included "fuck, I'm going to kill myself". He said he didn't want me to do that, that he'd be devastated. He went on to say that if I killed myself he'd have to kill the dogs and himself, he'd start with Poppy, then he'd feel better - at this point, Poppy with her absolutely perfect comedy timing went "oowooah". :-) I swear that dog has an excellent vocabulary!

We've really gone and done it this time

2009-06-24T11:04:00.000+02:00

I'm pregnant. :-)

Obviously the fertility clinic pointed us in the right direction 5 weeks ago by telling us which hole to stick it in and to stop using condoms.

Revalation!

2009-06-19T10:53:00.001+02:00

Following my appointment at the fertility clinic last month I was referred to a dietitian. I gritted my teeth and said "OK" because obviously if you refuse to go then they write "fat, ignorant, Jeremy-Kyle watching loser" on your notes and underline it in red. My intention was to go along, nod and say Yes, of course. i.e., lie.

But I turned up, went through the usual weighing and measuring - turns out my waist is 4cm bigger than is "required". 4cm? I can breathe in! ;-) I had a quick look around her office and realised she wasn't some bullshit artist so I came clean about the fact I don't eat carbs - believing them to be the tools of satan. She said she totally agreed and when we went through my diet she said she wished more people ate like that. So I came away from there feeling REALLY positive and clutching a book she's lent me. I have another appointment next week where she's going to assess the actual nutritional content of what I'm eating but overall it went really really well. I was expecting to be given some bullshit "pyramid" diet involving "eat 5 slices of bread a day".

I won 200k of new business yesterday afternoon. Yesterday afternoon they announced they were firing 400+ people.

Under pressure

2009-06-17T12:24:00.000+02:00

I was NOT at all impressed with the mortgage advisor who neglected to ask a) how much I wanted to borrow or b) what type of mortgage I was interested in. He let it slip that he got a kick-back from the bank so wanted me to borrow as much as possible. I will have to find one who doesn't want me fixing a financial milstone/tombstone around my neck. :(

I've lost 9lbs since my new diet/exercise plan thank the lord.

Slippery slope

2009-06-12T13:13:00.001+02:00

A year after I sold my house I feel I'm ready to try again - and boy have I learned a lot in the last few years.

I'm off to see a mortgage advisor on Monday to try and work something out. The house I want to buy is less than twice my salary in a nice end of town and I just want to get my living costs as low as poss.

Zat is zer news.

Shut up and put your money where your mouth is.

2009-06-05T13:47:00.001+02:00

Another week draws to a close - a few more things learned.

Is this it?

They fuck you up, your ex's

2009-06-02T09:34:00.002+02:00

Saturday we went kayaking with friends which was great fun. We all got burned to a crisp despite the application of sun tan lotion. Floating down the river in 30 degrees sunshine is just pure bliss. It was hardly the Zambezee which was just as well for my first go.

On Sunday I took Ginger out without a map and just went for it - got completely lost as is par for the course of course and so managed to see 3 countries from horseback - result! :-)

Little M wants me back. Whilst we're more intellectually compatible than BM and I, he was cruel to me. BM never hurts me and is always kind to me. *sigh*

Providing canteen banter

2009-05-28T09:34:00.002+02:00

On Tuesday we popped along to the fertility clinic. We were asked lots of questions such as:

i) are you having sex
ii) do you ejaculate inside the vagina
iii) have you been sterilised

Fuck me, what sort of people do they have to deal with that these questions have to be asked? On the other hand, it's nice to know where we've been going wrong ... ;-)

Our answers obviously satisfied her and she wanted to physically examine us... um, OK then. So she told me to go and get undressed, n.b., she used the word undressed. Meanwhile BM was getting inspected. He'd had a shower just before coming to meet me fearing that this might happen, put on clean clothes and met me. To his horror as he pulled his foreskin back he discovered a rogue dog-hair - neither of them said anything. Although I'm sure she updated her notes to read "dog-fucker, does not ejaculate in lady-friend".

Just as he sat back down with salty tears of shame rolling down his cheeks I step out of the bathroom butt naked - he just about fell of his chair laughing and she laughed and said "you didn't need to take that many clothes off, do you want to put some back on?" - by this point I felt it was a bit in for a penny, in for a pound so stayed as I was.

Feet in stirrups somewhat exposed I airily exclaimed "I'm told that by the time the baby comes you don't care who's watching" - this didn't really relax me much.

Dildocam. Wow! - It's basically a dildo and an ultrasound camera - hubba hubba. All my bits are in order apparently and she told me I was "normal" - having been embarassed in my nakedness I decided to turn on BM and ask him "are you normal?" - boy can that boy blush!

She then had a go at me about my weight and despite my protestations of exercising a LOT I could tell she clearly wasn't buying it and she scribbled "Jeremy Kyle watching, pyjamas outside wearing, hob-nob nibbling fat slag". *sigh*

We have to go back in November if I'm still barren - but they won't treat me until I've lost the weight I've put on in the last year, which of course is not an insurmountable task but I was really really raging. If I were to weigh 8 stone and smoke 40 a day and knock back a bottle of gin a day she'd be none the wiser and treat me. I felt really discriminated against actually and thought it was fucking rude.

At least my lady bits weren't full of pet fluff.

This episode has been brought to you by the self-shaming contingent.

============
Work: Some people who were "let go" due to global economics whilst our company is still posting billion dollar profits are suing the company... with the backing of the government. Going to get tasty this one!

Amphibious hornbags

2009-05-25T11:37:00.002+02:00

This morning at 2:30 I was rudely awoken by the sounds of BM stomping around the room, leaning out of the window, shutting it, opening it and muttering to myself. "C'est quoi, cheri?" - turns out it was an overly-amorous bullfrog on the dock below our bedroom window soullessly calling out across the river looking for a partner... or at least a one-night-stand. He was still calling at 6am when I got up. We've all been there right?

My neighbours have gone to Italy and totally wimped out by putting the car on the train - when I went it only took me 8 hours to Geneva and then another 2 (?) from there. Trains are for wimps. We've booked our summer hols - we're going up to one of the islands, not as far as Denmark - but pretty close.

I finally plucked up the courage to go to my first Body Pump class on Friday. I'd forced BM to come with me because I wanted to stand behind him in case I was unco-ordinated and dropping dumbells everywhere. As it turned out I absolutely loved it although I should've known when I saw L taking the class that it was going to be tough - her abs classes make me cry. Anyway I *knew* BM was going to put too many kilos on his bar and come saturday neither of us could move without whimpering. I had muscles in my arse which I've never engaged before, through skiing, riding, skating, whatever. I loved it so much I went back again Sunday morning and Little Miss Big Tits was there. She's only about 4'11" and she's a tiny wee thing but her tits (Natural I think) are like fucking water melons. When she turns her back to you her boobs actually stick out either side a good few inches. Mesmerising really! Anyway, I was dumbstruck by the fact that there was more fabric covering each breast than there was comprising her miniscule white hotpants. AND SHE STOOD AT THE FRONT! I think I saw her clitoris. :(

Supergirl

2009-05-19T15:22:00.002+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wyco2Uva7hI
I got home late last night, but it's alright, I'm a Supergirl - and Supergirls just fly.

Rewards

2009-05-18T15:35:00.003+02:00

Today I'm wearing a pair of tailored work trousers I've not been able to get on since before xmas and look mate, no rolls woohoo! ;-) Small victories et al.

Yesterday morning it was pissing down, the river a raging torrent and black skies. In a moment of madness I decided to ride out figuring there'd not be too many people around - there weren't - we only encountered a few people with brollies (scary) and a descending 747. Not scary. Saturday I rode out and couldn't find the brakes - pulled the muscles in my arms & shoulders trying to stop her - it was fucking good fun though.

If the river doesn't go down significantly between now and the end of the week there's no way in hell I'm going kayaking - I'm a reasonably strong swimmer but I'll be damned if I'm going to fight for my life in that. Tskarama.

My friend B has a son who is 10, we are always surprised at how much she babys him. She told me once that she'd had another son when she was in her 20s - he's about 18 now - she said he's "weird" and she "doesn't like him". I always thought that was a strange thing to say about your own son, he lives with his father and B herself admitted that at that point in her life it was the best place for him. She has very little contact with him and he never visits her in the country in which she lives. BM surmised that maybe the reason she babys her youngest son so much is because of the guilt she feels for leaving the older boy. The younger one is getting 2 doses of mum's love.

Baby names, is there ANY woman in 2008/2009 who is NOT planning to call her little girl Amelie or Grace? Stand up for yourselves women - go wild! Call your child Sarah, or Clare, or Lucy tra la la. Not Lucy-tra-la-la obv., although that might be OK in Islington.

Blown Away

2009-05-15T13:29:00.002+02:00

I've been sleep-walking it seeems and have totally missed out on the SunDance film festival blurb about "Precious" (Sapphire's Push). I watched the trailer last night and again this morning at my desk and I cried. It's not even going to be released until November and it's going to be fucking outstanding.

I can't help but feel it's just what our society needs right now - a little reminder of love & family.

BM and I have been watching the Badminton Horse Trials and I'm full of renewed enthusiasm right now and had a fantastic ride last night on my big, beautiful powerful beast.

B is back in touch - he always does this - just when I'm feeling settled I mean. Meh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8Zku3BHmGo

With mogwai comes great responsibility

2009-05-13T13:12:00.002+02:00

I am so in over my head right now at work. I've got 48 hours to hand it over come what may - oh, and conduct a meeting in German. Ich bin ein Berliner.

Had a bit of a shit day yesterday - in previous times I suppose I'd have done something "bad". Started the day with an argument with BM regarding some obscure Glaswegian word he used which I didn't understand - it was 7am and I wanted to be out of the door to the gym - he's not a morning person, in future I'll go on my own. All day long I was harassed by an american fucknut and a vile Scottish bully because I applied logic to a situation. Furthermore work was just horrendous - I felt like nobody had my back all day - although I did meet a very, VERY attractive Englishman. To relax I hit the stables after work and whilst I was getting her ready "special needs kid" stood in front of me holding her horse to tie up to groom. I mean ffs, when that's me I tie it up somewhere else and get on with it, so in essence I felt rushed. Then I went in to the arena and the bitchiest girl in the world [tm] was having a Dressage lesson from the scariest man I've ever met. He's got a real Sargeant Major thing about him and I'm always terrified he's going to scream at me "YOU, GET DOWN OFF THAT HORSE YOU IMBECILE!" - which is probably unfounded because he's always terribly polite.

A bollocks day all-in-all.

We're going kayaking next week woop woop!

I think I'm a grown-up now

2009-05-11T10:51:00.003+02:00

The fertility clinic sent questionnaires which make it seem all a bit real and grown-up. Scary.

Well the promotion thing they talked about at work the other week appears to have come to fruition already - I thought it would take months and months if ever to appear. But by Friday morning it was on my desk.

Read over the weekend that my client is about to go bankrupt.

Nice.

What's up doc?

2009-05-08T15:04:00.002+02:00

So I went to the doctor and was expecting to be chased out of the surgery with the words "you? YOU? Have a baby? Not over my dead body" type stuff... instead she was really helpful and I have an immediate referral to an infertility clinic - because I'm ancient y'see. ;-)

BM will be required to spunk in to a pot - but quite frankly, when you're surrounded by nurses in uniform how difficult can that be for a man?

No other news - the thing I was hoping for didn't pan out. C'est la vie.

Young vs. Old

2009-05-05T15:58:00.002+02:00

I'm letting my hair return to its natural colour for the first time in years - it seems I have NO grey - hurrah.

Am going to the doctor on Thursday to try and find out why I can't get pregnant - as much to my chagrin a British woman in Laos jail who's been there since August is 5 month's pregnant - I can't even get pregnant in my own bed. Anyway, I expect the outcome to be, "you're too fat and you're too old".

This could be a really good week if everything goes to plan.

Blessed are the meek...

2009-05-04T10:39:00.002+02:00

Had a couple of days off last week and to my delight on Friday I managed to fit in to my pre-op jeans. 9 months on - tsk! So I suppose my going back to the gym and beasting myself is working. Did a lot of riding over the weekend and it's all going brilliantly. I rode out on Saturday on my own for the first time this year and we were only about a mile from the airport when a 747 took off - no problems - we did however put on a display worth of the Spanish school of dressage when we passed a field with two Shetland ponies in. Those Shetlanders - with their fiersome reputations et al! ;-)

I've started running again because it really is the only thing which shifts my weight rapidly - although this is easier said than done given that my ankle is still giving my trouble 9 weeks after I bust it. Darn etc.

A pretty blissful weekend all in all, long walks, lunch in town, BBQ by the river, making the dogs swim in the river, horseriding, lazing around.

Saved by the bell

2009-04-24T15:25:00.002+02:00

Had my appraisal yesterday and it went really well, they want to promote me asap and apparently all is going well swimmingly. So I had a minor rant about my wages, so she pulled up the figures on her monitor and I pointed and ranted. I'll be getting a payrise if the US mothership doesn't do a total lockdown on the euro coffers.

So I'm not going to jump ship just yet... she knows I want to go to Amsterdam next year and I'd rather not do the commute now... makes sense to get the company to pay for me to move house.

Sunshine

2009-04-20T12:44:00.000+02:00

Sunny sunny sunny sunshine. :-)

Paranoid

2009-04-17T15:42:00.002+02:00

I wonder if when I was ill I was so paranoid. (?)

Someone I knew thinks I'm "stalking" them because I noticed they'd changed their username on a messageboard. People write in such a distinctive way and of course have certain hobbies e.g., for me, you'd find me in the skiwebworld and smellyhorsey.com type places. ;-) If a "newbie" turns up and posts 20 things within 20 minutes sticks out like a sore thumb right? *sigh*

It's a bit sad though.

Work is weird right now - I'm supposedly doing some really complicated stuff but it's a piece of absolute piss. I think so many people are just fucking dumb.

I'm back in touch with a girl I went to school with - one of the ones I meant the other week when I said I should apologise for past misdeeds. She was seriously clever - always top of the class - me, her and one boy battled for #1 smart arse at our grammar school. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it's so refreshing to talk to her - I think I got caught in a bit of a trap where upon when I tried to form friendships with other women they were just so damned dim! Liz is a total "brainiac" but we certainly didn't see it as particularly unusual - we went to grammar school - everyone was bright. At uni, my King's College uncle came to visit and said that most of my friends were "dumb as rocks" - which was a bit harsh coming from an autistic nuclear physicist. Although fair I suppose.

What is going wrong with modern women? How is it possible they hold degrees and yet you can know them for years and the only thing they're able to discuss is clothes and make-up? Why are they degrading themselves? We don't need men to put us "in our place" when they're doing it for themselves. *sigh*

Getting fit

2009-04-17T11:11:00.002+02:00

I'm enjoying the gym again. 5 mile bike ride to get there, lift 20,000kg, 30 minutes HIIT - all good. :-)

Sometimes I struggle with being mentally healthy - when you're not - it's easy to behave like a selfish twat and blame it on your illness. Of course it's not fun being mentally ill - but it's not much fun taking responsibility for your actions either.

Sunny side up

2009-04-14T15:12:00.002+02:00

Sent my CV off on Friday to another job I liked the look of - similar sort of thing but a smaller start-up company. She rang this morning to tell me that she loved my profile but was nervous about my lack of fluency, but wants to think about it and get back to me. I am seeing positives in this - CV sent out twice, two "good" reactions. Perhaps gone are the days when I'd not even receive acknowledgement. :-/

Glorious weekend - bbqs & beer. Horses, bicycles, monstrously behaved dogs, foals, lambs.

My dad says I should leave my hobbies off my CV, he says they're too "expensive sounding". I've heard that some people list "shopping" on their activities. Give me fucking strength! haha

Am going to the gym again regularly and popped in yesterday morning - note to self, don't attempt the gym on a bank holiday monday. The carpark is shared with my office - I've seen fewer cars at 9am on a regular weekday morning! The place was heaving - there's something quite disconcerting about seeing a colleague in lycra skipping. :(

I got BM's handicap wrong - it's 5, not 4.

Crossing the line

2009-04-11T10:49:00.004+02:00

Yesterday I allowed someone who is much like my sister to vent their rage on my blog. Much like my sister, the words are irrelevant - but the message remains "I want to hurt you". So whilst I have done nothing wrong and I have nothing to hide, I've removed the comments because I don't need anyone trying to hurt me. I remove such people from my life, I can certainly remove their comments from my blog!

Hope you all have a lovely weekend - it was 25 degrees here yesterday - absolute bliss! :-)

I am fucking howling with laughter.

2009-04-11T10:49:00.001+02:00

I know it's wrong et al, but once in a while you see someone do something so utterly fucking unbelievably stupid in the name of a bad decision that it just makes you laugh your naughty little head off. :-O

Insomnia

2009-04-06T13:30:00.002+02:00

I barely slept last night - I tossed and turned and apparently kicked BM in the back twice. I told him I wished I had a mother I could share things with... he says I should use his mum. I'm panicking about the future - things I cannot control. Neither of us slept well last night - and both think it may be the amount of beer we drank this weekend - not a huge amount, but a lot for us. We're still blissfully happy though - what's that all about? No drama, no big fights, no hurt - it's all good.

I rode a lot this weekend and also got dragged up to the golfcourse where upon I hit 8 balls, one of them nicely. He really is rather good having a handicap of 4 which I understand is really rather special - in the UK he wins ~10k a year playing - not quite Tiger Woods territory of course. He doesn't just hit these little white dimpled balls, he aims them at specific things. And hits them. Clever lad!

Am supposed to be going to Berlin in July to see Leonard Cohen which would be bloody brilliant! :-) Classic happy happy joy music. ;-)

Yesterday we did these horsey/golf things and wondered about the poor lost souls on their way to retail therapy (shops are only open one sunday a month here) - looking to fill their empty souls with shiny, plastic crap.

12 steps self-discovery

2009-04-03T14:40:00.002+02:00

I feel like I've spent the last few years working through a 12 steps programme, but it's been me who discovered each step. These days I want to apologise to all the people I hurt along my path - but I doubt half of them would even remember me. If they did they'd probably not understand the depths I was in and so never understand anyway.

People float in and out of your life and not all are welcome. I've been lucky enough to be able to remove most of the negative influences from my life, if not perhaps all... but I suppose what I really miss is really good friendship with other women.

BM and I plan to sit in the garden tomorrow and get pissed. That's the height of my current ambition.

*A note to 12-steps: Rachel's Wedding is possibly the worst film I have ever been subjected to for in-flight entertainment, including a 22 hour flight to Australia where "A river runs through it" appeared to be on a loop. :(

Job app

2009-04-01T10:38:00.003+02:00

So I re-wrote my CV, wrote a killer covering letter and emailed it off. They got back to me within 30 minutes saying that my profile was EXACTLY what they were looking for but that my lack of total fluency would be a problem for the client. Fucknuts.

I took the positive from that though - that they liked my profile, they didn't just bin my application or ignore me as recruitment leeches so often do.

So... it's given me the motivation to try again - the next time I see a killer job I'm going for it. :-)

A job I'd like...

2009-03-31T11:27:00.002+02:00

Yesterday I saw a job advertised which I'd be really good at and it's an area I'm interested in - medical research. I haven't applied for a job in over 8 years though so it's scaring the shit out of me... I'm currently brushing up my CV and am going to send it off and see what happens.

It's a huge increase in money and I'll probably blow the interview like when I turned up at Guys pissed for an interview. :( Fine line between "one for dutch courage" and being shit-faced at 10am. :(

It's a 2 hour drive away from home but it has many, many, many positives and we were planning on moving next year anyway.

I shall get on with my CV then shall I?

Any advice/encouragement WOULD be received on this ocassion. :-)

Boast Post vs why do I underestimate myself?

2009-03-30T09:14:00.003+02:00

I was being a good girl and so at the gym this morning and still suffering feelings of self-doubt. On Saturday BM had videoed me riding and I was really impressed with the results... when I ride in the arena I do watch the mirrors but am so fixated with the size of my arse that I fail to see anything else. The video was good, I was good!

I'm not sure if I said before but when I was in Colorado I bust my ankle on the first day - falling over in the street - how fucking ridiculous! Anyway, rather than lose my holiday I hobbled on and forced myself to walk over a mile on it to keep it moving, 36 hours later I shoved my poor swollen foot in a ski boot, strapped it up tight and got skiing again. I skiied fine on piste but was having trouble in powder or bumps because it hurt like hell. I lost my confidence a bit and so ended up taking a lesson with one of the top instructors at the resort. Put it this way, he'd been teaching for 25 years and was a professional racer! Anyway, he videoed me skiing and asked me what I thought, well I said "I'm skidding the turns, and I'm doing x, y and z". He looked at me and told me to stop being daft and look again, then he said "there is nothing I can comment on, you're skiing better than people who've had lessons for 30 years". That with a bust ankle and all! So damnit, I know I'm good but I'm so quick to let my confidence get undermined.

There was an older English couple in the hotel who really thought they were the dog's bollocks and all - kept asking me where I'd been skiing (today) and I was saying this face, this face, this hill etc., etc. They kept saying things like "oooh that's steep" or "We never go there" and it became quite apparent to me that they simply did not believe me... fat chicks can't ski et al.

I wish I could get over this caring what other people think. :-(

People are really mean

2009-03-27T16:46:00.001+01:00

There's a messageboard I use - I've been "bullied" there before and there are a group of girls who are just downright mean. I couldn't help but notice these were the same women who turned up on the "relationships" bit of the board in marriage/relationship crisis'. Says it all really - I suppose they feel they're in control of something if they can be part of a gang and pick on other people - it must distract them from their feelings of self-loathing at home.

I've come to the conclusion over the last month or so that nobody gives a flying fuck about your advice or sensible words. They really do. not. care! What they want is simpering & pandering like seals - to be wished well upon their path of ultimate self-destruction.

How can I be so sure? 5 years of intense therapy, self-reflection and not being a complete arsehole has led me to this.

However upon realising this it has made it so much easier for me to think to myself "their reaction is no reflection of me" - they're just not interested in reality, just happy-clappy.

BM and I have finally decided where we want to live long-term wahey! :-)

Don't know what to do

2009-03-27T10:30:00.000+01:00

Found out yesterday that I'm being paid more than 1000 euros a month below average for my job. It seems unlikely my employer will "even things up" this year... not sure whether it's time to jump ship or not, seem to be jobs in Amsterdam. *sigh* I'm on this special tax break thing which runs out December 2010 which of course has been playing on my mind a little... well I found online some salary calculators and whatnot yesterday and once I lose this tax break I'm on little more than minimum wage. :( <--x 1000

Thing is, the last thing I want to do is get offered a job when pregnant and ii) I don't want to spend hours on the train ever day as we weren't planning on moving to Amsterdam until 2010.

Funny things from America:
The lady from Alabama who turned to me and said "ah've read my etiquette books and been to classes but I can't remember how to eat my lunch". WTF?

My mental health is generally OK I think, big hugs to Polar Bear.

Chez Moi

2009-03-11T16:32:00.001+01:00

Finally home... took a somewhat laissez-fair outlook on Monday night when my connecting flights in Minneapolis were very touch-and-go. I decided to fuck off the luggage and see if it arrived back in Europe or not. Got good insurance you see.

Lovely flight back - plane only half full so plenty of room to stretch out - landed early and unbelievably my luggage was waiting for me by the time I got to the carousel despite my plane only being a handful of gates away.

I've had enough time away from home for so early in 2009. Want to stay grounded for a while.

Met some lovely people, met some absolute cocks - most of the cocks were English I must say - although I must tip my hat to the older gentleman from LA who enquired as to whether we had "TV and movies" in Europe or not...

US bound

2009-02-23T13:50:00.002+01:00

Just another couple of days at work and then I'm westward bound. Flying in via Minneapolis of all places - and as sad as this might sound I'm actually looking forward to the long flight, kicking up my heels, watching some TV, catching up on reading/podcasts etc.

The skis which I'd worried about wrt my ability proved a blinder. They were by far the fastest planks I've ever been on and off-piste were a dream. Today BM is lovingly wax-off and wax-on'ing my babies ready for the next onslaught.

I still feel lost and trying to find my way in life - I worry. My company is offering us later in the year a "voluntary" pay-cut. I think I'm going to refuse on the basis that they fucked me over last year with no pay-rise.

I have a new manager at work and everything seems fine but I have a few niggling doubts which will no doubt play out over the next few months... but for the interim I am now the YOUNGEST and ONLY female designer at work which is nice. I use deodorant.

Nuffink and Everyfink

2009-02-20T11:30:00.001+01:00

I'm still alive, life goes on. Norway was fantastic. Been home now for 10 days and this time next week I'll be in Colorado. I know maybe it's a bit dodgy on the discretionary spending front, but fuck it? If everything really is going completely tits up might be the last time I can feasibly go for many years.

Toodlepip.

Downward Dog

2009-01-18T10:46:00.003+01:00

BM is of course back home and I'm sleeping better - some of the worries seem to have left.

I'm so scared of dying though - I haven't finished yet and nobody is waiting for me.

Michelle is staying with us this weekend and I'm thrilled for her that her home life has changed for the better. Her father re-married 8 weeks ago so she has a new "family" including a 16 year old big sister with whom she seems to be getting on with great guns. She's no longer "forced" in to having a Saturday job, no longer living with her hopeless mother and no longer being beaten by her brother. She's looking at a student exchange programme to the US and also to my town which would be great.

My career just keeps getting better - assuming we don't all get fired of course. One of our biggest clients pulled the plug last night in a rather reactionary move - they've already paid 90% of the project which was just 2 weeks from completion... but they're broke. For 10%? :-/

Why (do) women doubt and men flout?

2009-01-12T09:46:00.002+01:00

I love my new skis - they're big and thick and shiny and big and very big. I took them out in the garden on saturday just to check that my boots fit etc., etc. We have some snow so I'm not a lunatic grass skiier I'll have you know.

I'd read another review on them on Friday night saying that they were very powerful and beyond the scope of most on the mountain and would overpower women (!). I got in a bit of a panic about it and got upset... then when I calmed down I realised that I'm CSIA Level II (that's level two canadian ski instructor) and that I will have absolutely no problem at all handling these babies. But why is it that I find it so easy to talk down my ski ability? Men, on the other hand (allow me to generalise) are always sooo confident they can ski everything. Point in question - BM has been on a snowboard now exactly 3 times and feels Shaun White had better up his game.

So BM has now been away for 5 days and of course I've missed him, the first night I didn't sleep well at all - I do feel more safe in the new house but I think those feelings of safety have been compounded by him being there. The weekend went by super-fast and I barely had time to sit down never mind mope. Ginger is going great guns right now and every time I ride it's sheer pleasure. I'm also meeting more and more of the women at the stables which is really nice.

No baby news as yet - it would seem that after 2 decades of having mysterious regular cycles, once deciding to up the ante and actually go for it they've gone haywire. :-/ On Friday night I bought an expensive 3-pack Clearblue digital testing kit. Now, despite being able to get by in 6 languages, having an IQ of 150 - was I able to piss on a stick in the correct manner? No, I fucked up the first two. Next time I'm buying the cheap ones I find less confusing. Idiot.

It was minus pissing 17 on saturday morning at 10am which was a little shocking - it comes to something when minus 7 seems like a heatwave. The river has started to freeze now which doesn't happen very often (20-30 years) - bear in mind it winds its way through 2 countries before getting here so it's relatively fast-flowing with a lot of water. The level is down 5m since December... could be in for a rough ride when the snow melts... I shall not care, I'll be in Norway.

Globalisation and its discontents (i.e., me). Last week I sent 19 requirement specs to India to be programmed, 1 returned (15 minute job) in 6 days, with 5 people working 10 hour days. Still, they're cheap eh? One of the girls coming in - actually the ONLY good offshore worker we've managed to find - was detained at the airport last week, held in a cell - passport withdrawn and frogmarched back on a plane. Globalisation - going good guys! Let's not forget either that last week one of the big Indian IT companies was shown to be nothing but smoke & mirrors... oh these guys will fuck up too. You're all smart people, you all know that capitalism (in its current form) brings only short-term gains and actually turns to socialism controlled by big business rather than government... but my oh my - what are they thinking? Outsourcing jobs to the sub-continent whilst Europe/USA can no longer afford to buy the services these people are providing... fucking ridiculous. My company has 50 billion (!) in cash reserves... yet they're still shedding 20,000 people worldwide... I fear they'll shoot themselves in the foot with this one... especially as they're shedding primarily USA jobs... "keep the injuns, they're cheap"...

It came to my attention this weekend that one of the barriers to my leaving to Canada under my own steam is that I'm very "borderline" on points because I didn't finish my degree. Calgary is FULL of Indians with PhDs (fi dorrar!) , barely literate and driving taxis. The whole "points system" is in my view, flawed.

Time for a revolution kids - your governments are fucking you.

Brrrrrrrrrrr!

2009-01-06T22:56:00.002+01:00

It was minus 19 this evening when I decided to ride - madame was distinctly "unbovvered" and I was sweating like a lunatic in 15 minutes, at minus 19. She makes me W.O.R.K!

Yesterday BM and I had therapy together with G. He'd wanted to meet BM to see what the dynamic was and I suppose to give me a short, sharp slap had he felt I was being controlled or anything like that. BM was very nervous and confessed to me afterwards he thought it was going to be some Freud "lie back on ze couch and tell me about your mutter" - but of course it's nothing like that, it's more chat. I did raise one issue though and that's my anxiety about money and how I cannot physically sleep until the bills are paid and I'll get up at 5am just to pay the bills... BM had no idea apparently that it affected me in this manner. He worries about a meteor hitting the earth.

But my two ski holidays are all paid for except food so it's not so bad!

He went back to Scotland today for a week so here I am rattling around in an empty house which is very strange but I suppose at the same time it'll be nice having a little "me" time.

What we hide

2009-01-02T16:05:00.001+01:00

It's funny how our minds try to protect us from what has happened, I forgot to mention the other day one of the most challenging and difficult things I had to face this year. Haemorraging close to death after a big operation. Tough times. :-(

Mend and make-do

2009-01-02T08:23:00.001+01:00

I do realise I've just completely contradicted myself down there by saying I've bought new skis... but my old skis were just too crappy for me and I "out-ski" them... plus if I rent for 4 weeks this winter the cost comes in the same as buying. So I did and they're enormous big fat strong planks just perfect for Rocky Mountain thigh-deep powder, huzzah!

2008 - the year that was

2008-12-31T19:24:00.004+01:00

So much happened this year, but to round up:

I sold my house
I moved country
I fell in love
I'm trying to get pregnant
My career got back on track

I start a new role next week with a new manager - so who knows what the crap will happen? Still angling towards a role in the middle-east with a view to Canada/US in 3-4 years - although who the fuck knows what their economy will be like then?

I'm sorry that all my doom-mongering about the economy came to fruition - I wanted a correction - I didn't want financial armageddon. Sadly, I see nothing good coming anytime soon. Mend and make-do. I think I'll do OK with this. I read a report the other day which said that you didn't need to buy a new plasma screen TV just because there was a bigger one in the showroom. No shit? My stuff stays with me until it DIES. QED - current TV I've had 6 years and inherited it from dear Helga.

I've bought new skis and I can't wait to give 'em a whirl and will be spending 4 of the next 9 weeks on snow - yippee!

Happy 2009 to all of you, I hope the coming year can bring as much happiness & stability as this year has brought me.

Growing up

2008-12-15T11:47:00.003+01:00

I'd considered not writing about this topic on my blog - but then why not? Isn't that what blogging is about - talking it through? Two of my regular readers already know what's going on and it really doesn't matter anyway.

BM and I are trying to get pregnant. My period was late when we went to Portugal - a week late, I'd already accepted I think that I was pregnant, but it wasn't to be. Of course I want children but I don't think I'd really got my head around the fact that I turn 35 very shortly. BM was the one in fact who put me on the spot with his "we cannot wait until I turn 35". We both know that there are no guarantees with our relationship but we're confident that i) there is no perfect time and that ii) if it doesn't work out between us we'll do our abolute best not to ruin the children.

So last month was our first "trying" and we failed. Tbh this came as a real shock to me - I've spent my adult life NOT getting pregnant - I thought it would be a piece of piss. I mean every 14 year old out there drinking a bottle of Thunderbirds before disappearing under a pile of coats at a party with a stranger can get knocked up. Me, with a stable life & job & partner failed.

It's also proved to be an explosive topic that I intend to exercise, to ski and ride for as long as I can. For this I was called an "irresponsible witch" which I found really hurtful - until I discovered that one of the women in question is 7 months pregnant and smokes a packet of cigarettes a day...

It seems that once you're pregnant you must cease all activities and just put your feet up.

A friend of mine is due xmas eve - she's only actually put on 7lbs during this pregnancy - she hasn't dieted, she's kept up her "normal" lifestyle and was overweight to start with - but I think that's very admirable.

I've found comfort from my ski gal pals who're much more gung-ho about this sort of thing. One who was skiing 4 days after her c-section - how the fuck? Another, whose husband is ski patrol (mountain rescue) who had to bring down a woman on a toboggan who'd gone in to labour and she was bitching about being dragged down on a good powder day.

Now I claim I'll keep skiing & riding until I can no longer get my leg-over as it were... chances are I'll be asleep face down in my soup by 7pm most nights. But I need to find a pregnancy forum dedicated to "slummy mummies" who *do* have a glass of wine, eat cheese, run (waddle fast) & don't just sit around getting fat & bitching. Recommendations greatly appreciated!

Went skiing at the weekend and had a brilliant time, it was BM's second time on his board and I got him down a 2km piste which was just "tubular dude." Not going to have any problems with him! He'll not keep up with me of course, but at least he'll not be on the bunny slopes the whole time.

Work is going good, I think I'm going to apply for the Qatar job... will keep you all updated. xx

Edit: I was supposed to be in London for a party with some friends last Friday - but I thought I was pregnant so didn't dare go. I'd have spent the night dancing barefoot on a table snorting vodka & coke.

Popple the Mighty

2008-12-08T13:57:00.003+01:00

Dog #2 is a Jackapoo, that's a Jack Russell x Poodle, in this case named Poppy.

We often joke that Poppy knows everything and is omnipotent. When we're out we seem to see poodles and "Poppy's people" staring at us - we believe that they send messages back to The Mighty and report on our whereabouts and activities... One day we were walking down a main shopping street and past a tailor's shop. There was a giant poodle in the window sat staring. At us.

Currently The Mighty (for you should not say its name out loud) is in kennels due to our weekend away. This morning when I opened the advent calendar there was the very Christian poodle.

*jaws music*

The Motherland

2008-12-08T10:46:00.002+01:00

On Friday I took a ferry from Amsterdam to Newcastle so was able to spend the day in Newcastle shopping. Because the euro is so high against the pound right now I was struck at how "cheap" everything seemed. Lovely. Had lunch with Charlotte with whom I went to uni with and had not seen for 12 years - amazingly it was not uncomfortable at all and we hope to get the gang together early April.

So, 6.5 years I waited to go back to the UK - it'll be another 6.5 years until I return I think - no, truth be told Newcastle was a lovely city and the shopping was top notch - I really enjoyed it.

Today I had a festive dog.

My red leather made-to-measure whore boots arrived on Saturday and the landlady brought them over last night. Fuckalicious basically! :-) Photos to follow.

Chocolate Starfish

2008-12-04T11:39:00.002+01:00

Today's Christian animal was a starfish. And lo, Jesus was born unto a manger and the starfish did gather.

I picked up my new car last night and it shifts like shit off a shovel - lovely stuff. I was cruising last night at 120 but the speedo goes up to 250 so I might just have to take it on the autobahn and see what it can do.

The lovely B, a friend from my old place emailed me yesterday to tell me everyone was snowed in - 2 feet and counting. So fucking unbelievably glad I don't live there anymore!

It was snowing yesterday morning so I just "skipped" down to the bus stop and let the driver take the strain. There's a new Egyptian girl at work who's won me over with her nut & honey biscuits who said she'd phoned all her family to tell them she was playing in snow. They just didn't get it. Try shovelling it out of your driveway a few years.

Rode monster yesterday and it was hard hard HARD work - she is just full of herself but working nicely and I had my new jods which I had to buy because I've put on a stone and I can't bend in the other ones. I just sort of walked like a penguin.

Therapy with G yesterday went well, he wants to wind our sessions down to just one a month and for BM to attend the next one.

Lots happening

2008-12-02T11:20:00.002+01:00

I have a session with G tomorrow and it will be our last one for 2008. We are supposed to be winding down now. Part of me is confident with this - when things are good I don't need him - but what if things go wrong again? I have the confidence now to ask others and of course I have BM... but what if he goes? Who will I lean on?

Big life changes and some of it quite upsetting - I can't talk about it now except to say that for the first time I really have 100% faith in myself but have been told I'm doing it all wrong. This time though they won't beat me.

We're thinking of moving to north of Amsterdam in 18 months or so - we want to be by the seaside - and with global warming there's a distinct possibility we could be IN the sea - how exciting! ;-)

Following on from the criticism when I rode the other week, on Sunday someone asked how I'd managed to teach my 8 year old horse how to piaffe, I wish I'd gone with it and said "yeh, you just have to put the hours in but it pays off". Instead, honesty won the day and I said "um, she's just showing off."

BM had his first snowboard lesson on Sunday and I "lol'd" at his white arse and him falling arse over tit over and over - h owever he's a snow sports convert now and cannot wait until January.

I bought a new car on Saturday - I'd been renting cars since August really and the expense was mounting up and up and yet I couldn't seem to find anything else. Private sales were proving difficult because people either lived in the middle of nowhere or were never available to show me the cars - *or* paperwork problems etc., etc. So on Saturday morning I logged on to the Saab website, found one I liked and bought it. I collect tomorrow and I'm v excited. It's not new, but it's got room in the back for dogs, kids, golf clubs, skis, etc., etc., etc!

I have a chocolate advent calendar. Today I had a festive rabbit, yesterday was a traditionally festive owl.

Dripping in diamonds

2008-11-26T15:51:00.000+01:00

BM bought me 2 new charms for my replacement bracelet. Sweetheart.

Holiday

2008-11-25T10:56:00.002+01:00

It was gorgeous, hot, sunny every day - I swam in the Atlantic in crystal clear waters, scrambled over cliffs & rocks & nearly got washed away after downing too much sangria without checking we had money to pay the bill so had to do a runner (only on the chocolate mousse).

We were probably the youngest people there and it was cougar-central.

Only fly in the ointment was the bitch maid who stole my bracelet on the last day - when I spoke to the manager of the hotel he said "meh, it happens, just claim on insurance". Charmed, I'm sure. It wasn't overly valuable - but it was a charm bracelet I'd bought myself when I moved house this summer and it was supposed to signify all the good and "charmed" things which would be happening in my life from now on. So it was valuable to me.

Hotel was full of the Russian Olympic team, one of the boys I recognised from off the telly-bob. Miserable wankers.

So I went out on Sunday and replaced my bracelet as best possible... I wasn't able to get the exact same, but it'll do and I'll try again.

Last night I fell apart. I was up at the stables and it was just criticism from start to finish: oh my god you've not got a blanket on her (walking her outside for 30 seconds), her hair is very short (presumably if she were cold, she'd grow it?), didn't you call the vet the other week? (no, and I've still not yet killed her). To top off that spectacular evening I slammed my fingers in the stable door when I popped her back in and nearly took the top of my finger off. Blood everywhere - at which point I realised the car keys were right at the bottom of my packed up tack cupboard. I nearly burst in to tears thinking how can I ever hope to be a mother when I can't look after myself.

Holy Days

2008-11-11T16:39:00.002+01:00

I'm off on hols on Friday and it's going to be bloody excellent - my first holiday in nearly 2 years and my first sun holiday since 2002 - bring it on! :-)

I've also somewhat impulsively booked a ski hol to Colorado in March with the girls which should be excellent fun. Flights are frighteningly cheap right now - must be because the airlines are about to go "pop" haha.

I'm getting a big fancy christmas tree this year, I've never had one before - Christmas has always been the time for fighting, resentment & pure hate. I'm hoping to pull off something a little more peaceful this year. I was planning to even bake my own cake & pudding... but instead we're going to the UK to have a whizz around Tesco or something.

It's all about the travel - first time back to the UK since 2002 will be done in December when I meet up with an old uni mate in Newcastle.

I've got a boner. :(

2008-11-04T13:35:00.002+01:00

Well it turns out I have a large calcium deposit growing in my abdominal wall - I have a permanent boner. I am a girl. This is *not* so good. :(

There is no cure. :(

I don't know what I'm going to do... I sat there trying to take the news in and wondering if I was going to spend the rest of my life in pain because of this surgery.

I also had to have my arsehole swabbed to prove I don't have MRSA. That was nice.

I forget where I am...

2008-11-03T11:16:00.002+01:00

So much happens, but it's good stuff which doesn't rip me apart. Yesterday I bought a gorgeous Stubben Scandica dressage saddle for my little girl and also got her clipped. She's gone from fiery red to the colour of honey & looks adorable.

Took the dogs to the vets on Saturday and we've wrecked the hire car haha. Went to the town hall to register today & get a paper to buy a car - which they can't issue for two weeks - so no car. Which isn't the best timing really as we're off to Portugal next week and our flight is at 6am from an airport 200km away. I may have to fire up the broomstick.

I've decided I've got to stop buying clothes - I went a bit mad when the end of my poverty came about - but now I have to limit myself to sport's clothes only - e.g., I need new ski boots as I went skiing last week and just about ripped my toes off again. :( I was in rental skis too and the combination was DIRE. I have flat, rectangular feet and the only boots which fit me are HEAD high volume ones... the ones I want are 339 euros - I may have to just suck it up. :( I mean once you have a good pair they'll last years. The last good pair I had, I put on weight so got them made a big bigger... you can't make them smaller though so when I lost weight they no longer fitted. :(

I have a chat with the boss later about my career because right now it's not going so good - I took on a big project at the beginning of the year with the idea of turning myself in to a shining star - the project has gone fucking terribly -- and so rather than moving on I'm shovelling shit. My big, big boss sent me an email this morning saying "it sounds like it's all going wrong, can't you be objective". My next report will read "X has lovely shiny shoes and is very polite."

Yes, so next week I'm off to Portugal for a little sun, couldn't be arsed in the end going to the Caribbean as it's a horribly long flight for just a week's hols - there were some great deals going to Egypt but we're both of the opinion that bleeurgh - you'd have to pay us. :( It may be cheap & hot but :(.

I have to go back to the doctor tomorrow as there's something very wrong with my stomach following the tummy tuck. I'm in constant pain and when I exercise it gets worse ( the bouncing). The scar looks great but the pain is wrong - I can't take it anymore. It's hard too, like I'm 6 month's pregnant or something.

Burn baby burn

2008-10-27T11:53:00.000+01:00

My burns last week were pretty bad & I've been unable to shave or wear deodorant for a week on that side. The skin is now peeling off & weeping which is painful - but thank god I didn't cover my face with burns I suppose.

Living without fear

2008-10-27T11:49:00.002+01:00

This weekend was the first weekend in years I've had no worries. It was pretty blissful, we hung out, bought a new laptop for the house, played with the doggies, I rode Ginger & she was brilliant. Of course now I want a new dressage saddle. We argued about holiday destinations - amazing, a year ago I could barely afford to eat - now I'm choosing where to go in the world.

I'm renting a Smart car right now and it's bloody horrible. 10k (euros) new and it hasn't got a bloody clock. You have to see where the sun is set in the sky & guess the time.

My dad phoned yesterday, I'm going to pay him back the 1700 euros he lent me earlier in the summer - it's a real kick in the teeth for my sister - because when I pay him 1700, because of stirling falling in value against the euro he'll end up with mo' money.

I'm supposed to be going to therapy this afternoon but I've called it off because I'm OK. :-)

Death Loan

2008-10-24T09:54:00.003+02:00

The word mortgage comes from the French "mort" - death, and "gage" - to pawn and translates literally as "death loan". Those frogs ain't as dumb as they appear.

Anyway that's done & dusted -I need to settle a few bills but it's not my problem anymore. We went to the house on Weds to read the meters and I was struck by how cold it was. I'm loving my new house - I'm actually warm for the first time in years - it's sheer luxury not having to wear 15 layers.

Work are laying people off with a 2 year kiss-off. I begged & I prayed & my boss said "will you let me know if you get the letter?", I assured him that I would indeed phone from the Caribbean.

Burning up

2008-10-19T21:55:00.002+02:00

Saturday morning before racing off to the beauty salon I jumped on the scales and was horrified to realise I've put on a stone (14lbs) since the end of June! OK, I've been majorly ill, but a stone? Holy shit. So the not-eating-so-much-fucking-ice-cream starts here. :(

I got home to find that BM had cleaned the kitchen and it was spotless.

As part of the healthy eating regime I cooked some soup tonight when he went out. I put it in the blender and when he got home he walked in to soup up the fucking walls, all over the floor, hob, everywhere and me in the shower crying with burns to my face, neck & arm. Not a pretty sight - not very clever.

Panic

2008-10-16T11:53:00.000+02:00

I forgot to say - it's not all plain sailing... I still panic. Tuesday evening I agreed to meet BM in the supermarket - I got there and he wasn't there so I just got on with it. Finally checked my phone which is always on silent - 8 missed calls and voicemail. His message just said "call me right away on the house number" - I panicked and thought one of the dogs had died or that he was leaving me or something awful had happened. It was only that his bicycle was fucked... but I was hyperventilating and shaking...

I'm always going to be a little bit sensitive.

I talked to him about it and he said he'd never just dump me by phone. He'd sent a text instead. ;-)

Surviving

2008-10-16T11:48:00.002+02:00

G said yesterday that I was looking great & seeming confident. I was wearing a split skirt which was a bad idea given the cycling in the wind - I'll learn I'm sure. It was one of those outfits which inspires great big genuine grins in men and pursed lips & "silent growls" from women.

BM bought me the Sex and the city film last week. Miranda asks the girls how often they're happy. Charlotte says every day, not all day, but every day. I feel like that right now. I hope it lasts.

I dreamt about Little M again last night - and some friend of his had put up a sign slagging me off calling me mentally unstable and nasty. Now that I could take - but she also slagged off my skiing ability and you don't criticise my skiing and expect to live! In the dream I backed off, then I marched up to her and gave it a "how fucking DARE you?" Went well.

We're going skiing in Norway which should be fun - romantic too I think - and not many brits or french hurrah! I can understand a fair bit of Norwegian too which is a result.

Went to the stables on Monday night and the owner gave me a lift all the way home which I thought was really sweet - she says she really likes Ginger and every day when they take the horses out to the field she makes sure she always takes Ginger - that's nice - but then I've always known my girl's a sweetheart.

BM got a job yesterday - I'm so proud of him and it's given him a huge confidence boost. Not sure what the dogs will make of not having a hooman at their beck & call.

Stockpiling yet?

2008-10-12T18:51:00.004+02:00

Bad week in the sense that I am so busy at work by thursday night my skin is breaking out with stress and I can barely move. I've done something so "un" me this weekend - I've not been out except to walk the dogs. I can barely move my right arm and I'm just done in. My skin is always good again by monday but the stress destroys me.

Thankfully this week is half term week which should mean my workload is down. Last week my firm announced they'll be cutting 560 jobs across the country I'm in. When I listened to it going down it sounded to me like a bit of corporate bullshit in that it's what the "investors" want to hear rather than what will happen... 560 jobs does not equal 560 people. Non-contributors will be slung out but most of us will simply continue to operate under another title. Maybe I'm a little cocky, but I don't see my job going anywhere, and to add to the cockyness - I'm effing good at what I do - I'd simply phone my #1 client & tell them I was being fired... Oh but who gives a rat's arse?

My house sale will be finalised on the 22nd and personally I think my buyers are fucking insane, however a friend of mine D has just bought a farm in my old neighbourhood - beautiful granted... but most of her clients are in Brussels which is a good old schlep.

I was cycling in to work on Thursday in the sun and it occurred to me that in the old house I'd be bricking it a bit right now with winter aproaching fast - ice on the roads, snow coming etc., etc. No worries this year - if it snows then I'll catch the bus and the driver can worry about skidding. BM said "what if you die, crushed under the weight of half a bus and all the other passengers?" , "whatevah, at least it won't be ME doing the paperwork for the insurance company".

I'm really not sure what to do about my money, I'm not actually going to have a whole lot left - the bank are clawing back a ton load being as I've got the audacity to say actually I don't want to play this mortgage game... but I don't really want to keep it in the bank.

Thankfully the boy is getting well in to economics - he can't help but really what with my face in the financial pages all day - and of course he's getting tales from the front line in the UK - so we're going to start stockpiling a little in food and we're keeping about 1000 in cash in the house. We can always eat the fecking horse.

We've talked about submitting an application to emigrate to Canada - you need a flush bank balance to do so. Come next week my bank balance will be looking fine...

I don't know what we'll do - right now there's so much going on - I just feel incredibly lucky that I managed to sell my house & car before all the shit really hit the fan - but long term who knows? My job might be safe, it might not. The industry I support will be hit but I think it'll be a while before the GP realises it's "discretionary spending".

BM is off on the bike to town to get us Ben & Jerrys - we thought it only wise, 5 euros this week but it could be 8 next week - so stock up whilst we can! ;-)

I got to find peace of mind.

2008-10-04T21:28:00.002+02:00

I phoned the lawyers on Friday and the house sale is virtually complete - in 2.5 weeks I will be wiping my arse with fivers.

I was back at work this week which was tough going. I really don't take pleasure from being so mean to people despite being exceptionally good at it! ;-) But it really does rather piss me off when I have to reject a computer programme 15 times within one day. Don't fucking send it back to me until you've fixed it. I shouldn't *have* to check the code of a supposedly "senior" developer.

Not sure what will happen in the future with regards to that.

Today I cycled the 20+ mile round trip to see princess. As I was about to turn in to the road where the stables was some cow in a 4WD cut me up - I had my iPod on (yes, I relented) so couldn't hear what she said - but being British I was able to resort to a distinctive yet powerful array of hand signals. Shame really that she turned out to be the stables owner's daughter. :-/

Then... the woman* who said to me last week "oh you really should take lessons" said "you really must talk to P outside, she's English - ask her about her instructor". So I went outside and there was P, riding in a different league to me so it became quite apparent that her and I would never need to share the same riding instructor - however I introduced myself. Turns out she's the wife of some high up bloke in NATO and has 6 horses on the go. It was at this point my mouth ran away with me and I exclaimed "well that must keep you busy, better for your hubby that you're busy with the horses than shagging your way around the base".

Then I rode and princess was a dream... it's days like these make it worth the while - but now I really really really really want a dressage saddle!

Then cycled in to town to catch up with BM because I'd promised him an XBox. I *need* red leather made-to-measure whore boots and can't justify spending that much money on myself without getting him a treat. I'm now officially best girlfriend evah. The wind was horrendous though and I had to come down past the airport - a great big open space - I peddaled and peddaled and peddaled and it took forever to get anywhere.

*These same snobby cunts who have the gall to criticise my riding, who tell me they've owned their champion dressage horse 8 years, when I ask "where's nice hacking?" tell me they don't know... because they've never been - they don't like riding outside. Shit scared more like!

My brain hurts

2008-09-30T17:18:00.001+02:00

I have too much information to process.

I'm alive and most of the time it's very good. I cycled 30+ miles on Sunday & am riding again... but the lows & fear come.

More bloody rules

2008-09-23T08:51:00.002+02:00

I've spent the last 9 years driving around sur le continent with a welsh driving license and no proper ID, never bothered anybody until now. However I tried to buy a car on saturday in the country I'm now living and I couldn't transfer it to my ownership because of these ridiculous rules. How on earth does anyone import/export?

Anyway all was not lost because I was in a town where A lives - we'd not seen each other in nearly 4 years due to her marrying a horrible chain-smoking, alcoholic, fuckwit, child-abandoning, manipulative bully. However I'd found out he was out of town so gave her a ring and we sat in the sun drinking coffees - how times have changed. 5 years ago we were dancing on tables and killing mojitos. She took me back to her apartment in the main street and introduced me to Buster, her house rabbit.

So no car. Yet yesterday I was able to rent a merc... yeh, you tell me! Still no driving licence, still no ID, in fact I didn't even have a credit card...

On Sunday Brigitte picked me up from the station and we rode out. It was the first time I'd ridden in 3 months (since pre-op) and I've put on about half a stone which did mean my jodhpurs were so tight I felt no pain from my stomach. We flew, as per, and I had a fab time. Finally got Ginger's new stables arranged and she's moving today hurrah! :-) Only fly in the ointment right now of course is that I am without a vehicle so will have to cycle to the stables - 10 miles each way.

B messaged me on friday night saying he was in Switzerland and wanted to meet up. I was furious at him and demanded to know where he was 6 months ago when the arse was falling out of my world and I was scared and had nobody. He persisted all weekend until finally last night he got the hint and went back home. I'd told him that when I met someone that there would be no more time for him... I told him that I was happy and living with someone. There will always be a place in my heart for B I think... but not enough to wreck what I have with BM - because with B there are no guarantees. But men are funny creatures, when you tell them it's game-off they pull out all the stops. I know he was sat in some hotel bar over the weekend thinking of me. Payback.

Rules & Regulations

2008-09-18T07:38:00.003+02:00

We drove to Germany and couldn't find the fucking train station. In every city all over the world I've ever been to, as you enter the city there are signposts for centre and station - if not in any recognisable language - with a picture of a train. Not here. We eventually found the station (yes, I have been before, multiple times in fact) and met this guy. I pulled up and he said "when can we put my license plates on?" - mainland Europe has strange laws about numberplates - e.g., the country my car was registered in had license plates per person - so there was no way I was going to let him drive off with "my" plates. He wasn't even interested in a test drive - not kidding, I drove maybe 300m, parked up and the deal was done.

I doubt he'll care it's not got a current MOT - he says he mostly exports to Russia.

Decided to treat myself to a new riding jacket and the boy found it absolutely hilarious that I was unable to find the train station yet a few twists and turns down back streets FROM the station and I was able to find a tiny little horsey shop. I love that shop - it's the guy who fitted Ginger's saddle 4 years ago. He has a tiny happy smiley Thai bride who speaks very little German (presumably she's OK with "schnell schnell liebling"). *says nothing*

Eventually got back home & I had to race off straight away to the beauty parlour, met BM in town and went out for dinner & saw "In Bruges" at an arthouse cinema. As we walked in I saw M who is part of my mental health team - you know, that entire group of people who try and keep me on the straight and narrow. I slinked along the bushes in the dark hoping she'd not see me. Art cinemas are not like normal cinemas. They are full of middle-aged women with camel-toes - and that my friends is a FACT!

Fighting with boys and cars

2008-09-17T08:22:00.003+02:00

BM and I fought last night - this may or may not have had something to do with the horrendous amount of gin I packed away and PMT - either which way he found it funny when I "greeted" and sobbed "does this mean you're leaving me then?" So there you go, still borderline. I ought to say, he didn't laugh at me when I said that - he knows I'm sensitive - so he explained later when I'd calmed down.

I decided to sell my car yesterday due to me being terrified to drive it and not arsed enough to import it in to this country, so we tarted it up & drove it over the border to a dealership to try and offload it. They didn't even come out of the office - just said "no, we have loads of that model and can't shift them". So I whacked it online - worked out what the "ideal" price would be bearing in mind it needs 1000 right now just to get it through the MOT. The phone rang off the hook all night and I got some big offers in. We're meeting a guy in Germany at lunchtime who is coming all the way down from Hamburg, that's like going from London to Liverpool to look at a car! I reckon a lot of people are pricing these big gaz-guzzlers at prices you may have acheived a year ago... the world is changing though. If the dealers can't get rid of them and dealers are trying to give away the big 4x4, what on earth makes people think... oh well, won't be my issue from lunchtime on one would hope. I had people calling from France, Germany, Poland...

I've found a mini with a Union Jack on the roof. Probably unlikely to be able to tow a horsebox but c'est la vie. Funny really that I've come the complete circle, my first car was a mini - such is the right of passage. ;-) I loved my mini, cheap to run, easy to park. I'll only need it to get to the stables 3x a week so perfect.

I'm getting a new tattoo tomorrow - huzzah - photos to follow.

Had a really good therapy session with G on Monday except I cried and cried (re: my sister) - he said I shouldn't cut my dad out of my life because that's exactly what she wants me to do. When I got home BM took a genuine interest in what had been said and again offered comfort.

Yesterday Blogger ate my post

2008-09-11T15:59:00.001+02:00

More and more emails arrived. They were vicious, I read and responded to one...

So hurtful.

G said it wasn't the words, her action was to try and hurt me. So I deleted the rest without reading.

I cried and BM comforted me.

It's made me feel like an utter fake though - I'm always going to feel, when push comes to shove, that I am that little child that nobody likes, that everyone bullies. One day my friends and lovers will find out the truth and know I'm a fake.

It just keeps coming...

2008-09-09T13:42:00.003+02:00

Every time I log on to my email there's another vitriolic diatribe from my sister.

Thank god BM is here to keep me sane, he's meeting me from work and we're going to have a BBQ in the sun by the river.

He is shocked at how they turn on me like wolves.

Meat & veg

2008-09-08T10:14:00.002+02:00

See if you are an omnivore. The rules:
1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.

66/100 - My Omnivore’s Hundred:

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

Hate

2008-09-08T09:25:00.002+02:00

My life has been ticking over pretty much OK I think. Work is going really well, my therapy seems to be going well, me and BM are doing great.

Then in response to wishing my sister happy birthday I received a variety of hate mail saying that she wished I'd fuck off out of her life forever and that I'd ruined her life and that I'd always been the favourite.

What really pisses me off is that having picked up a few lines from her response I see that I'm out of line for not moving on and blaming everyone else and not taking responsibility for my own actions... yet somehow it's OK for her to blame me for everything?

Apparently it's not all fun and games and that my dad is really critical of her being 31, living at home and unemployed long-term. Nobody on this planet (I doubt) loves their job 100% every single day of our working lives, but we get on with it. She has always just "quit", reasons for quitting include (but are not limited to), "being bullied" (this also happened at school twice, once she ended up being home schooled, the second time removed from the state system + one time at university where my dad drove 6 hours to get her and put her in a hotel), "her hand hurts" and "I don't want to live in this town".

Apparently I was making a mountain out of a molehill and that I could've moved back to the UK at any time and taken a job. Right. Nevermind I had to borrow money from my dad to move 50 miles, apparently crossing the english channels and getting a new house can be done on a budget of about 40 pounds.

Last time this happened she had a total mental breakdown. :( I haven't even read the second mail she sent as it was pages and pages long, why upset myself by reading it? Her message won't change whether I read it now or in 3 months when my stresses are gone.

I am officially the last person in the western world to see the Dark Knight and it was blinkin' marvellous. 2.5 hours long though? Sacre bleu. Thank heavens for civilised cinemas here having intervals where you can get up and go for a pee rather than peeing in your Big Gulp cup.

I'm sick of being pushed around by everyone. I have terrible posture when I'm feeling beat up upon because I'm scared to stand tall, I think when I stand up straight I look too sexual, it's all tits & arse. :(

Getting a grip

2008-09-01T16:30:00.002+02:00

I'm still hanging in here, good days and bad.

I took Thursday and Friday off work to try and connect with BM because I'd been getting more and more upset about the situation and wondering if I'd just made the almightiest fuck-up. It didn't help that the lovely C decided to throw a spanner in the works by flying in from South America and wanting to meet up. I laughed and told him that he was never going to work for me because he'd just have left me back on the finca with my horses and I'd have seen him once a month. He told me that he'd re-assessed his life and he wanted to change - in the direction I am. Talk about confusing!

But BM and I had a good talk and we'll continue to make a go of it - deciding that communication and honesty are the key. Yesterday we swam in the river with the dogs and he laughed at my sunburn. Yes, a Scot laughing at my sunburn. :(

Today is his 23rd birthday - he wanted to try his new rollerblades and come in to town following my bike. I didn't have high hopes for this and within 300m he was hanging on to the back of my bike. After 1km he was sweating like a bastard and after 7km I left him on a park bench by the river looking a broken man. Last week he'd said bicycles for men were "gay", I think he'd have given his eye-teeth to be riding a pink girl's bike with a basket on the front and a Pikachu bell. He sent an email saying he'd walked home and his feet were of no use to anyone.

I'll get home and he'll be asleep in the bath. Which would be great - I can eat his birthday ice-cream on my own muahahahhaa!

Therapy

2008-08-22T13:18:00.002+02:00

I thought we were winding up with therapy but we discovered that I still have a massive issue fear wise with security and money. That even now my money issues seem mostly solved I'm still terrified that it'll all be taken away from me and I'll have nothing again. We went through the logical possibilities and probabilities - but sometimes logic isn't enough. So that's something we need to continue to deal with.

BM arrived on Weds and I had a bit of a wobbly about it - I'm not sure whether I've made the right decision or not. It probably doesn't help that I've had to work today and yesterday and we really need time to re-connect. But the dogs seem happy he's there and it makes me laugh when he helps pack my lunch. We're meeting in town tonight for a film & meal (Indonesian). It's his first time in to town so I hope I don't get a sobbing phonecall.

It's also brought home how woefully low I am on clothes storage space - and how I HATE people walking more than 6" past the door in shoes...

My tummy is healing but it's still swollen and I feel "fat". :( I know it's just going to take time - but I'm not 100% happy with it on one side anyway but I don't have that much faith in the surgeon. He told me I had to "take it easy" after my op - now to me, take it easy means walk, not run & not lift bales of hay/heavy furniture. However, on 10 years younger the other week, there was a woman on there (who I know tenuously) who had one and she was told by her surgeon to not get her arse off the sofa for 6 weeks. I'm now pretty much convinced that I should've done NOTHING at first... as it was I didn't tone down my life at all apart from no gym/no riding. Also the doc told me that I didn't need a compression garment after the third day (when it was too big) and I ended up with all those internal problems. In the end I went out and bought my own and from that day on... no probs. So I may well go to my local GP now to talk about revisions - but I'm NOT going under a bloody general anaesthetic again and I need to wait a few months at least to see how it all works out.

I can fit in to most of my clothes again but when I went to meet BM the other night I went to slip on a skirt which was just a tad too tight but would've fitted fine in the morning - I swell during the day you see.

Sorry it's been so long

2008-08-19T21:03:00.004+02:00

Well I'm safe in the new house obviously - went back to the old house on saturday to give it a thorough clean so I can turn my back on it until the day of the sale. I don't have too many happy memories from that house... except those concerning BM.

BM arrives tomorrow - on a one-way ticket. We're both positive about it - let's see what happens.

I've been without internet at home for ages now, which is probably just as well because last Sunday B sent me an email asking me to meet him in Northern France last Monday - as it was I didn't get the mail until Monday morning - and of course I've got BM now and I'm *sick* of running when B calls, so it was very easy this time to say "sorry, but no". At least he picked up on me telling him last time to just wait until he was within a 2 hour drive of me.

Work is horrendously busy and I'm being such a bitch. :(

I'm still getting incredibly stressed - a good example was last night when A came around to take photos for the inventory for the house. She made a comment about the rent being "really expensive" and it made me feel terribly guilty. But G is always telling me that I've got to spend some money & treat myself - why should I have shit stuff just because I feel shit about myself?

Speaking of which - with the tax rebate I taunted my father (who had accused me of spunking money on shopping) - I bought the "perfect" winter coat - yes, in august. Oh well. Also a leather jacket - shoes, more bags than I could carry. Oh and a new bicycle 5 miles each way to work and I LOVE it! :-)

Schmokin'

2008-08-08T16:46:00.001+02:00

After all the money I paid out last week - just checked my bank account and I've had a large tax rebate - woohoo!

I can afford to waste money eating AND visiting my surgeon! :-)