What have I done?

It's been a while since I posted here, mostly because I've been living the life of my dog. I eat, I sleep, I sleep some more and then I cry. I'm pregnant and it's knocked me for six. I've had panic attacks and cried at the midwife, I am physically unable to stay awake past 9pm - I just fall to the ground wherever I might be. I have terrible morning sickness and my balance has gone to shit. I wonder if I look radiant? :-/ For someone relatively active I've found it really upsetting, I've been able to ride a few times but not much, I'm out of breath walking the dogs (something to do with the blood supply/oxygen uptake) and I get tired just looking at my gym kit.

To any woman who's ever been pregnant and claimed "I just didn't know", I'd like to ask you HOW? How the fuck did you not know? Why didn't you go to A&E?

Do you feel lucky, punk?

We got moved last week and I love the new place, it's right by the park where there are deer, sheep, goats, cows, bunnies, peacocks etc., etc. Also just a 2 minute walk from the high street, couldn't be better.

But of course with every ying, there is a yang - and the current yang is that the ex-landlady wants to sue me. I felt confident breaking the contract because her husband did something illegal so I'm quite happy for this to go to court. In times gone by I'd have done my best to "make peace", but now? Fuck 'em. I'll play. Whenever I talk to someone about what he did the automatic response is a dropped jaw and a "he can't do that!" I was lucky really because I wanted out of the contract and he played right in to my hands.

Work is good and life is good although BM doesn't want us to go skiing this winter - he wants us to save money. Bah. Not quite sure how I feel about that yet - trouble is, it's not just the ski hol, I need new boots and that'll be the best part of 400 euros before I even put my skis on... Plus kennels, plus airport parking - all the little things (or not so little) I forget to take in to account. Still... the world's largest indoor snowdome is now less than 5 miles from the house so at least we can kill some time there.

I hate moving

We've been packing boxes, cleaning empty rooms and getting everything downstairs ready to go in the van. Last time I moved I hired people in to do it as I was just out of surgery and it wasn't going to happen. Add to that I had some horrendously large and heavy pieces of furniture - they always seemed to have a bad feeling associated with them so a couple of months ago I stuck them online for a very low price so that someone would come and collect them. This means that all the stuff I have left can be moved by 2 people as opposed to 4. Tomorrow is the big moving day and obviously it's quite stressful and I'm anxious as to how it's all going to work out - although I am looking forward to living closer to civilisation. We will be able to walk to the cinema - how exciting! ;-)

Michelle came to stay for the weekend which didn't go so well... she's lost all her confidence right now - even with the horse - although that was probably exacerbated by Ginger being mounted by a randy boy as Michelle got her in from the field.

Definitely moving

I just got confirmation this morning that I can move house next week - hurrah! So I've booked a few days off work and hired a van and hopefully it'll all be pretty painless.

Yesterday I had such a wonderful ride. I'd been feeling pretty down all weekend and in a state of limbo over the new apartment. I was the last person up to the stables and the horses were either out in the field or getting ready, Ginger was the last one in the stable and she was very stressed. I got her out and ready in about 20 minutes even though my hands were shaking with nerves/hunger. The first 40 minutes or so were pretty hairy and I full expected to end up face-down in a ditch but it was pretty good and E, who is in fact one of the best riders I've ever seen and competes in the class just below Grande Prix level turned and said "that looks brilliant" and from then on in I couldn't stop grinning. I've not laughed so much in ages as we got in to arguments with mountain-bikers claiming the bridlepaths as theirs. We got to the pub and tied the horses up in the stalls before P treated us all to hot chocolates with tons of cream. As we set off for home the sun came through the clouds and I took the lead, galloping through the forest jumping fallen logs. I felt on such a high when we got back. Simple pleasures. I still feel content now.

Things you wish you hadn't said

BM got some work in an old people's home. On Monday he was tidying up and doing some dishes when a little old lady decided to join him. He told her she didn't need to help and that she should relax and just watch him work. She told him she liked it and it "kept her alive".

Yesterday he asked where his "helper" was. Died apparently.

Big Fuss

This morning BM had a job interview at McDonalds - it's far from ideal but it's a bit of cash. When he got in there the woman kicked up a bit of a fuss about him not being fluent in Dutch. He kicked off and asked how complicated the menu was, how much it had changed in 20 years and then rattled off a few example menus. A BigMac is a BigMac wherever you might be. OK, so he's blown the interview but I'm so proud of him. She kept telling him that not speaking Dutch would be a problem. He told her it wasn't rocket science! *grin*

We're off to look at some new apartments in the morning, I went around to my new friend H's place last night - it's so gorgeous and W.A.R.M! Hopefully we can get this done and dusted and move end-Oct.

My best friend ever found me yesterday on facebook - I've been trying to find her for 11 years now and mutual friends had written to her mother at her old address and none of us heard anything. She had quite a common name, particularly for the corner of the world she hails from. I'm so thrilled to have found her again but I'm a little bit gutted that she spent a few years living just down the road in Germany from me. :-/

Waifs & Strays

Had a week off work last week and one day I returned from the gym & the stables to find a woman in the kitchen talking to BM. Long story, but upshot is I sensed a little "mental vulnerability" in her, but I liked her and I hope we can become friends. As strange as it might sound - I need a mum.

Went to a horse show on Saturday to asess the lie of the land with respect to me competing next year and I was delighted to find it was so good. We both really liked the atmosphere and the dressage test wasn't too complicated, the jumps not too big and the x-country course just lovely. So that's my plan for 2010. I was delighted to note a few larger women, a Scottish women and a few shit women - not sure if any of them managed to fall in to all 3 categories though. ;-)

Everybody's going surfin' now

On Wednesday we travelled to a lake in Germany to try waterskiing/wakeboarding. I am delighted to report that we had a 100% success rate with the women and I was in the top 5 overall - although sadly not the best because I couldn't master the wakeboard... my feet were too small for the board... that's my excuse anyway! :-) Really good fun and a terrific work-out, my biceps are bulging like Popeye's. Getting in to a wetsuit was interesting through... thankfully the mirrors only showed from waist up in the changing rooms and I thought I looked acceptable - but seeing your colleagues in wetsuits shouldn't be allowed. For the first 10 minutes nobody could make eye contact with anyone else - and I'm like to apologise to anyone who saw me. It took me 5 goes to go more than about 20m and then being able to lap the lake took me another 4 but I cracked it. We were all expecting the lake to be a bit skanky what with it being mid-September and no rain for ages but it was deliciously cool. It was a very international group and when you were flung from the rope you had to paddle to the shore with your skis, clamber up the bank and walk back along a tree-lined path to the start hut. You'd be climbing up the bank and here a SPLASH, "FUUUUUUUCK" all the way around the lake. :-) Fuck is a very international word. Needless to say I was totally buzzing after that but didn't get home until midnight.

BM had been back in the country 36 hours by yesterday morning and yet I'd spent 28 of those at work or out but I've got a week off work next week so we can spend some time together then.

I nailed my audit and got certified (for once, not to the mental unit) and I've just spoken to one of the big managers about assuming the role for the entire country which would be pretty damned cool! :-)

Poke in the face

It was my 3 month check-up with the dietician last week. I've not lost any weight since I saw her - good and bad, I've increase the amount of food I'm eating - but no weight off obv. She's recommended as a "last resort" a "Lighter life" style diet - which from my pov is just madness. She acknowledgess that I don't eat enough then recommends 500 cals a day. I told her the last time I starved myself to get to a recommended weight my hair fell out - this does not (I feel) bode well for a pregnancy taking.

Struggling

Despite being free from the label of "Borderline" - I still have battles which make me want to crawl up and cry for days. But I still find it difficult to cry for me - read that as "I do not cry for me".

BM is back in the UK for another week and the house feels wrong without him - I feel lonely and just not right.

Work is heavy this week as it's the week of the audit and I'm still trying to find time to get my head around all the information I want to present - at least it's in English - thankful for small mercies!

Yesterday I'd agreed to ride out with M, first off she was half an hour late due to a parade where they'd shut the road. I expected that, I was caught in the same traffic. I suppose I just wasn't in the best of moods and when we reached a particularly difficult junction to cross - main road and on a bend - we totally took over one lane so the cars behind could see and the cars coming in the other direction could see us. There was a lot of traffic coming the other way and when we arrived at the junction nothing behind us. The traffic kept coming and a woman came up behind us and tried to overtake us - I'm afraid I let rip with a volley of abuse (in English) and she at least had the sense to look embarassed. Horses or no horses you don't overtake on a blind bend! About 30 seconds across the junction M started giggling and said "I always thought you were a mild-mannered person" - I'd used a variety of swear words I usually reserve for when working the docks. So that put me in a bad mood. I thought we'd be going for a short ride, but we ended up out for 3 hours and I was just tired, hungry and thirsty and so immensely pissed off. M is always saying how well Ginger and her horse get along - fine, they do. But he's a dawdler when walking and when she was in front it's virtually impossible for Ginger to walk that slow - we have to stop and it's just so frustrating. Also I don't take kindly to criticism about my horse when the person criticising has not assembled their bridle correctly.

She annoyed me so much that I cantered off and jumped a ditch which the others tend to balk at just to see what would happen with her horse.

So why is it that I can let rip at a car driver but cannot defend myself when someone criticises me? "Gosh 35, yes, you've left it very late for children."

Inspiration

Ginger is a sex-pest and has been bullying the boys in to humping her and is black and blue and covered in cuts. *sigh* So no riding yesterday and instead spent the afternoon on the sofa watching the BBC coverage of Burghley. So inspired was I that I spent the rest of the day researching how I can compete here - it's nearly the end of season but I can make tracks towards training for 2010 yay!

My mum sent me a couple of texts on friday night saying that she misses me terribly, wants to know I'm OK, is going through a bad time and wants to be a grandmother. I asked my dad what was going on and told him I suspected she's got in touch with me because my sister has probably taken up her first teaching job and moved out. Silence. That's her usual MO - when my sister moves out she remembers she has 2 daughters - oh and that she wants a grandchild.

On the up?

I have been given a promotion at work which is great news - and about bloody time! :-)

I moved Ginger on Sunday to a new stables and was immediately complimented on how easy she is to load in to a trailer - I know, she's easy. Went up to the yard after work yesterday to meet everyone and check up on her - everyone is amazingly friendly and demanded that I ride out with them last night. Usually middle-aged women are "cautious" but I figured as it was my first ride out in a new area I'd be happy with that. To hell with that! 90 minutes of galloping around the countryside - I've not ridden that hard or fast in years. One of the reasons I was attracted to this stables is that they all ride out as a group and are friendly. I'm going out again wednesday after work and they've a 4 hour ride planned on Sunday! Awesome! Lots and lots of compliments about Ginger - I mean talk about flattery will get you everywhere.

I think we've found somewhere to live although it's not in the bag yet!

Earning karma points

At the weekend I was reading an expat messageboard and there was an English woman desperately looking for somewhere for her daughter to stay in my town. She's starting university here today but the uni doesn't guarantee accommodation to first year students OR overseas students! So I've offered to put her up for a few nights - I mean it's pretty scary starting uni, it must be even more scary in a foreign country and more scary still when you've nowhere to stay.

I'm expecting a huge amount of karma for this.

Work is going amazingly well - my manager is going on holiday to africa for 4 weeks and has asked me to cover for her. I've got to do a presentation to some bigwigs from the US/UK but how hard can that be? *has one too many for Dutch courage* hic

We still don't have anywhere to live yet and I'm too busy to find somewhere. Pumpety pump.

Don't know whether I'm coming or going

We're moving out of our house but haven't found anywhere new to live yet - hurrah to bins everywhere! ;-)

Reality bites!

The week away was bliss - hot, beautiful and totally relaxing - hallelujah!

I've spent the last week riding, hanging out and generally being very lazy but it's all been wonderful.

I had my last "ever" session with G last week who wished me well on my continuing journey without therapy - although he's emailed me to say I can call any time. He also wants me to talk to people who are considering dropping out of therapy. I told him I could see why it was so tempting to walk away before being done - it hurts so much dealing with all the shit - it takes a lot of effort to talk about the stuff you've buried for years - for a reason of course. But I'm glad I stuck at it - and I don't know how I survived my years in the wilderness.

I'm moving Ginger to another stables where everyone seems much more chilled out and relaxed - they ride out as a group at the weekends and take the horses away for weekends at the beach - which is really more my kind of thing than poncing about at dressage competitions every weekend. Plus, if that snotty 14 year old throws my stuff on the floor one more time I'm going to lamp her. It's also 200 euros a month cheaper than the place I'm at right now - result all around!

I haven't heard back yet from the "awesome" job - so probably won't - but they've got another two vacancies on their website so I'm going to keep applying until they hire me! ;-)

I continue to feel disheartened about how fucking stupid so many people are... how can I escape them? Run away and hide in the Andes? Shoot everyone dim on sight?

I found a sharer for Ginger just before I went on holiday - a really nice girl... but when I was on holiday she left a couple of messages on my answermachine asking me to call immediately. I thought something dreadful had happened so I called her... it was nothing. I got back to the stables and spoke to the owner who reassured me that had it been something serious *she* would've phoned me. The girl was also pissing off a lot of people - 3 people in one day told me she was "weird". E.g., she'd told me she'd gone to school with a couple of the girls - one of them told me last week that she'd never laid eyes on her before and didn't even know her name! She kept on and on at me to get shoes for Ginger and I kept telling her it wasn't going to happen. I decided it was time to cut her loose as it were and phoned her one evening... she sounded strung-out. I arranged to meet her at the stables the following evening to tell her face-to-face that I didn't want her around anymore and so BM and I waited... an hour. She eventually phoned to tell me she was running late, I told her not to bother showing up. She asked if it was something she'd done "personally" - I suspect she's Borderline and didn't want to get in to the whole "but I'll change thing" so I told her it was just because I was moving Ginger to a different place. I don't have the time or energy for the dramas of a Borderline person anymore. One of the reasons I suspect she was borderline is that she wasn't working, slept until midday (or later) on a daily basis and then was out of it in the evenings - I suspect via meds. But of course there's more to Borderline than that - and I spotted it.

Island Escape

It's been a typically stressful week although thank goodness very quiet at work as my brain is totally done in. The fucking exhaust is hanging off the car by a thread so I ran it along to Kwik-Fit this morning where they informed me it's going to be a cool 236 euros to fit. Damn it. But it needs doing. We're off on holiday on saturday to the secret island hideaway which I'm really looking forward to - it should be absolute bliss. Again, no phone, no laptop - I need to do that more often.

The horse got sent back from trial for "making a funny noise when it eats". Which quite frankly is fucking mind-boggling. They've got 6 kids and told me that it's a lovely safe, trustworthy horse but it makes a noise. Um, 'K. They emailed later that day saying they "knew someone" who could give me a very, very low price as she buys "sick horses". I told them to get bent.

I ahm knackered

I've just spent the last 60 minutes tweaking my CV + covering letter + in-depth online application form for a job which I can do and would be bloody amazing. Funnily enough I'd wanted to apply a few years ago but I didn't have the confidence - then I was reminded of it yesterday, had a look at the website and they're recruiting. It's quasi-military and they "actively recruit women" which I hope means it'll be hugely weighted in my favour.

Background check could be interesting. *snigger*

Selfish mother

I had a total wobbly/breakdown yesterday and realised that if I'm pregnant again then ski season is totally out.

There's a meet in Vermont in December which I won't be able to make, I won't be able to ski after xmas and by the time I can ski again the fields will be green unless I sit on a plane for 24 hours.

There you go - still self-obsessed.

Softly falling

I realised on Tuesday morning that I couldn't cope so I phoned my boss to tell her I was going to take a couple of days off to get my head together. I went back to work yesterday and she was so cool about it all which really surprised me as she's an older woman with no kids/husband - but it was great.

Ginger goes away this evening on trial for 2 weeks - hopefully it will all work out well. It's a bit sad though, I rode her yesterday and she was fantastic. I think I'd have found it all a lot less frustrating if every ride had been like that, but my nerves and stresses get in the way a lot of the time.

We're also tentatively putting the feelers out for somewhere new to live. I don't want to buy yet given the possibility that we might go back to the UK, but we want to get away from here because it's just too expensive and actually I want to be closer to town. It would save us up to 1000 a month which is some pretty good holidays. :-)

I haven't yet told my therapist that I lost the baby - I just can't face his reaction - "how do you feel?", "but how do you feel?"

WD40 lining

I lost the baby at the weekend which was upsetting but the positives are:

i) I know I can do it
ii) losses in the first trimester are largely down to chromosomal abnormalities
iii) I know I'm firing off both ovaries

I was at the doctor this morning and because I'd made an emergency phonecall to the surgery over the weekend she had on her screen that I was pregnant and she congratulated me. It's funny because it also said that I was bleeding - she didn't think this was a definite game-over. Nobody EVER tells you that you may very well bleed during pregnancy. In fact they need to print it on the back of the fucking pregnancy test box rather than letting you run out of your office screaming and threatening to commit hari-kari*. When I spoke to my cousin and a friend they both said "god yeh, I bled loads". WTF? What is this secrets of womanhood pamphlet and why didn't I get a copy?

So damn it, back in the saddle.

Darling BM said to me this morning as I was moaning about something he was doing in reference to our blonde daughter, "I think we'll have a dark-haired child". "Right then", I said, "I'll be home late tonight".

Work is good, apparently not many people took them up on their request for a voluntary pay cut. We've also been told that we're getting shiny new laptops & "clever" phones in August. Thank christ we're cost-cutting and not just firing people!

BM is trying to get back in to the army - he needs to speak to someone when he's in the UK in September. I could see myself being an army wife. *places OMO on window ledge*

*I told BM that my initial thoughts had included "fuck, I'm going to kill myself". He said he didn't want me to do that, that he'd be devastated. He went on to say that if I killed myself he'd have to kill the dogs and himself, he'd start with Poppy, then he'd feel better - at this point, Poppy with her absolutely perfect comedy timing went "oowooah". :-) I swear that dog has an excellent vocabulary!

We've really gone and done it this time

I'm pregnant. :-)

Obviously the fertility clinic pointed us in the right direction 5 weeks ago by telling us which hole to stick it in and to stop using condoms.

Revalation!

Following my appointment at the fertility clinic last month I was referred to a dietitian. I gritted my teeth and said "OK" because obviously if you refuse to go then they write "fat, ignorant, Jeremy-Kyle watching loser" on your notes and underline it in red. My intention was to go along, nod and say Yes, of course. i.e., lie.

But I turned up, went through the usual weighing and measuring - turns out my waist is 4cm bigger than is "required". 4cm? I can breathe in! ;-) I had a quick look around her office and realised she wasn't some bullshit artist so I came clean about the fact I don't eat carbs - believing them to be the tools of satan. She said she totally agreed and when we went through my diet she said she wished more people ate like that. So I came away from there feeling REALLY positive and clutching a book she's lent me. I have another appointment next week where she's going to assess the actual nutritional content of what I'm eating but overall it went really really well. I was expecting to be given some bullshit "pyramid" diet involving "eat 5 slices of bread a day".

I won 200k of new business yesterday afternoon. Yesterday afternoon they announced they were firing 400+ people.

Under pressure

I was NOT at all impressed with the mortgage advisor who neglected to ask a) how much I wanted to borrow or b) what type of mortgage I was interested in. He let it slip that he got a kick-back from the bank so wanted me to borrow as much as possible. I will have to find one who doesn't want me fixing a financial milstone/tombstone around my neck. :(

I've lost 9lbs since my new diet/exercise plan thank the lord.

Slippery slope

A year after I sold my house I feel I'm ready to try again - and boy have I learned a lot in the last few years.

I'm off to see a mortgage advisor on Monday to try and work something out. The house I want to buy is less than twice my salary in a nice end of town and I just want to get my living costs as low as poss.

Zat is zer news.

Shut up and put your money where your mouth is.

Another week draws to a close - a few more things learned.

Is this it?

They fuck you up, your ex's

Saturday we went kayaking with friends which was great fun. We all got burned to a crisp despite the application of sun tan lotion. Floating down the river in 30 degrees sunshine is just pure bliss. It was hardly the Zambezee which was just as well for my first go.

On Sunday I took Ginger out without a map and just went for it - got completely lost as is par for the course of course and so managed to see 3 countries from horseback - result! :-)

Little M wants me back. Whilst we're more intellectually compatible than BM and I, he was cruel to me. BM never hurts me and is always kind to me. *sigh*

Providing canteen banter

On Tuesday we popped along to the fertility clinic. We were asked lots of questions such as:

i) are you having sex
ii) do you ejaculate inside the vagina
iii) have you been sterilised

Fuck me, what sort of people do they have to deal with that these questions have to be asked? On the other hand, it's nice to know where we've been going wrong ... ;-)

Our answers obviously satisfied her and she wanted to physically examine us... um, OK then. So she told me to go and get undressed, n.b., she used the word undressed. Meanwhile BM was getting inspected. He'd had a shower just before coming to meet me fearing that this might happen, put on clean clothes and met me. To his horror as he pulled his foreskin back he discovered a rogue dog-hair - neither of them said anything. Although I'm sure she updated her notes to read "dog-fucker, does not ejaculate in lady-friend".

Just as he sat back down with salty tears of shame rolling down his cheeks I step out of the bathroom butt naked - he just about fell of his chair laughing and she laughed and said "you didn't need to take that many clothes off, do you want to put some back on?" - by this point I felt it was a bit in for a penny, in for a pound so stayed as I was.

Feet in stirrups somewhat exposed I airily exclaimed "I'm told that by the time the baby comes you don't care who's watching" - this didn't really relax me much.

Dildocam. Wow! - It's basically a dildo and an ultrasound camera - hubba hubba. All my bits are in order apparently and she told me I was "normal" - having been embarassed in my nakedness I decided to turn on BM and ask him "are you normal?" - boy can that boy blush!

She then had a go at me about my weight and despite my protestations of exercising a LOT I could tell she clearly wasn't buying it and she scribbled "Jeremy Kyle watching, pyjamas outside wearing, hob-nob nibbling fat slag". *sigh*

We have to go back in November if I'm still barren - but they won't treat me until I've lost the weight I've put on in the last year, which of course is not an insurmountable task but I was really really raging. If I were to weigh 8 stone and smoke 40 a day and knock back a bottle of gin a day she'd be none the wiser and treat me. I felt really discriminated against actually and thought it was fucking rude.

At least my lady bits weren't full of pet fluff.

This episode has been brought to you by the self-shaming contingent.

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Work: Some people who were "let go" due to global economics whilst our company is still posting billion dollar profits are suing the company... with the backing of the government. Going to get tasty this one!

Amphibious hornbags

This morning at 2:30 I was rudely awoken by the sounds of BM stomping around the room, leaning out of the window, shutting it, opening it and muttering to myself. "C'est quoi, cheri?" - turns out it was an overly-amorous bullfrog on the dock below our bedroom window soullessly calling out across the river looking for a partner... or at least a one-night-stand. He was still calling at 6am when I got up. We've all been there right?

My neighbours have gone to Italy and totally wimped out by putting the car on the train - when I went it only took me 8 hours to Geneva and then another 2 (?) from there. Trains are for wimps. We've booked our summer hols - we're going up to one of the islands, not as far as Denmark - but pretty close.

I finally plucked up the courage to go to my first Body Pump class on Friday. I'd forced BM to come with me because I wanted to stand behind him in case I was unco-ordinated and dropping dumbells everywhere. As it turned out I absolutely loved it although I should've known when I saw L taking the class that it was going to be tough - her abs classes make me cry. Anyway I *knew* BM was going to put too many kilos on his bar and come saturday neither of us could move without whimpering. I had muscles in my arse which I've never engaged before, through skiing, riding, skating, whatever. I loved it so much I went back again Sunday morning and Little Miss Big Tits was there. She's only about 4'11" and she's a tiny wee thing but her tits (Natural I think) are like fucking water melons. When she turns her back to you her boobs actually stick out either side a good few inches. Mesmerising really! Anyway, I was dumbstruck by the fact that there was more fabric covering each breast than there was comprising her miniscule white hotpants. AND SHE STOOD AT THE FRONT! I think I saw her clitoris. :(

Supergirl

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wyco2Uva7hI
I got home late last night, but it's alright, I'm a Supergirl - and Supergirls just fly.

Rewards

Today I'm wearing a pair of tailored work trousers I've not been able to get on since before xmas and look mate, no rolls woohoo! ;-) Small victories et al.

Yesterday morning it was pissing down, the river a raging torrent and black skies. In a moment of madness I decided to ride out figuring there'd not be too many people around - there weren't - we only encountered a few people with brollies (scary) and a descending 747. Not scary. Saturday I rode out and couldn't find the brakes - pulled the muscles in my arms & shoulders trying to stop her - it was fucking good fun though.

If the river doesn't go down significantly between now and the end of the week there's no way in hell I'm going kayaking - I'm a reasonably strong swimmer but I'll be damned if I'm going to fight for my life in that. Tskarama.

My friend B has a son who is 10, we are always surprised at how much she babys him. She told me once that she'd had another son when she was in her 20s - he's about 18 now - she said he's "weird" and she "doesn't like him". I always thought that was a strange thing to say about your own son, he lives with his father and B herself admitted that at that point in her life it was the best place for him. She has very little contact with him and he never visits her in the country in which she lives. BM surmised that maybe the reason she babys her youngest son so much is because of the guilt she feels for leaving the older boy. The younger one is getting 2 doses of mum's love.

Baby names, is there ANY woman in 2008/2009 who is NOT planning to call her little girl Amelie or Grace? Stand up for yourselves women - go wild! Call your child Sarah, or Clare, or Lucy tra la la. Not Lucy-tra-la-la obv., although that might be OK in Islington.